Catch Me, I'm Falling

what do you do, when you feel like the misfit? what do you do, when you just don't seem to belong, no matter how much you want or how hard you try?

because i want to.belong, i mean.more than anything in the world, lately, all i want is acceptance for who i am, and people to like me for me, without judging me. but it just isn't happening.

i'm different from them all. some are nice, but they just don't care about the same stuff that i do. they're not good Muslims, most of them smoke and have boyfriends and another just plain hates my guts for a reason i don't know. my particular friend has a pretty big social circle so she pretty much hits it off with everyone. she's charming and funny and a witty sense of humor and a fast tongue that comes up with quirky retorts to anything anybody has to say. i've never heard her use "umm.." in my life.

they all seem to be fine with where they are and what crowds they're hanging out with, but despite them all (well..almost all anyway) being perfectly sweet to me and great fun, there's just this feeling of...disconnectedness that i have for some whacko reason. it's like a thorn in my side that i just can't remove. my friend that i wrote about is amazing, and she's the one i lean on most, but she's got a huge social circle and many many friends and she gets along with everybody.so even though she looks out for me sometimes..i still feel like i'm different from teh rest. my ideals, my moral values, the things important to me in life..they're not all the same as these guys.i'm not a prude, and though i think it's perfectly vulgar for girls in particular, to smoke, i don't mind much when strangers or distant friends are doing it because in all honesty, why would i care much when somebody not close to me does something? i believe in waiting for the one guy i'm going to be spending my life with and they're perfectly fine with having boyfriends. being a good Muslim and trying to live my life by Islamic ideals is the highlight of my life and most of these kids don't care much about it. so even though i usually enjoy their company and all, i get the feeling that in four years of college, i'd never be able to share anything meaningful with these girls,never be able to open up to them as close friends do.because to be great friends, you need to believe in some of the same things.at the very least, your core values should be the same.and they aren't.so when they talk about smoking and boyfriends and parties and stuff, how can i not feel uncomfortable, knowing i can never be a part of what they share?

among this crowd,the girls i hang out with the most is my friend, the one i wrote about in my previous posts,and astonishingly, the girl who hates me.i don't hang out with her out of choice. i feel very awkward with her most of the time because i can't understand what i could have done to make her hate me so,i don't even KNOW her.but because she and my friend get along really well together and hang out,i have to deal with it.anyway, with those two together and one of them glaring at me half the time, it makes me feel uneasy all the time.and my other friend hasn't really said anything about it, i think she tries not to mention it all,which isn't really helping, but i think maybe she feels like 'what can i do anyway'.

so bottom line, university and i, are not gelling together. there are good days, and then there are outright trollish days.it's very inconsistent.but all in all,it's not a place i feel people like me for who i am. i think it's more like they carry an idea of who i am, because in all honesty, it's only been a month, and with teh kind of crowd around ehr, i don't think i could ever open up enough to them to give them a glimpse of who the real me even is.

it's downright depressing.any suggestions for how i might avoid any future awkwardness? my strategy is ignore it, and maybe things will work out for themselves.but its not helping contain my frustration with the way things are going.. :(