Top Ten Tuesday

Okay,the title is not meant to be suggestive of a new trend i'm going to start following in my blogs. I just felt like making a list and it just happens to be Tuesday,so that;s what i'm calling it ; top ten tuesday.!..

my best friend and i are real romantics.we believe in true love,but we're also devout Muslims,and we think it's pretty pointless to be with somebody you're not going to be with forever..so having boyfriends is not an option with us.it's not that we have to restrain ourselves.it's that we're so deeply imbedded in our faith and that we believe the end thing will be so much sweeter for all our patience that we prefer to wait.we have lots of friends who
re guys.just not boyfriends.

and just because we're really levelheaded on this point because of our faith doesn't mean its not hard.sure,sometimes,you see a cute guy,and he admits that he's interested,and you feel a little spark tug at your heartstrings..

but it just doesn't FEEL right.it's not who i am.i'm the girl who'll satisfy her romantic fantasies by reading lots of jane austen and meg cabot and dreaming about what if's and if only's...

but at teh end of the day,i just want to wait until i'm going to get married so that i can just savor it all at that one point in my life.i don't want to have to compare him with anyone else that i couldn't have.and it's not all completely easy,but it's not hard for me either.it's a choice,not an obligation,that i've made for myself.i just REALLY want to wait...and so does my best friend..

but now and then,we get this thing called the NOW! syndrome.it's what happens when we've read too many jane austen novels or watched too many nicholas sparks movie adaptations,and we're completely besotted with romantic fantasies.

then we get very whiney and we start whining about how we'd much rather prefer to have a guy in our lives now and if only we'd just get married already!then we kind of go "but i want one NOW!!" hence the name, NOW! syndrome..

like my ideal guy would be someone like the beast from beauty and the beast (the disney animated version of course) or noah from the notebook..

my best friend,who shall remain nameless for anonymity's sake,much prefers guys like nathan from one tree hill.he's her ideal..i personally have this wierd tendency to go for guys with anger management issues.i don't know,i guess it;s the passionate,fiery spark in a guy that just kind of sends thrills down my spine..!..

anyway,so when we're coming down with the syndrome,we do dumb,tweeny bopper stuff like make lists...this one is of the top ten guys that are simply wayy too good to exist.needless to say,we have a tendency to overlook real guys and fall for fictional ones instead!

okay,so here goes :

number one on the list is (of course) : edward cullen (pale,passionately in love,and a musician.need i say more?)

2.jesse de silva (from meg cabots brilliant 'the mediator' series.is it just me or are supernatural guys just all the more appealing?!)

3.nathan scott, from one tree hill

4.jacob black (from the twilight series.though i'm an edward fan over jacob all the way,no girl can deny the rustic charms of jacob black.again,a supernatural being.thus,all teh more appealing to me!)

5. Lance (from the animated series, x men evolution.i can't explain my fixation with this one.he's just so unbelievably appealing!plus,he has a temper.that scores one with me!any guy who has a temper he takes out on everybody but the one girl he loves is just perfect in my book)

6. Noah (from the notebook.i need not say more!)

7. Beast (because true beauty lies within...or because he transforms into a gorgeous prince after you bring him into your tender loving embrace and tearfully confess your undying devotion to him..whichever comes first!)

8.Mr. Darcy (from the incredible "pride and prejudice".pride and temper issues.need i say more?a girls wildest dream come true,the man himself...mr darcy!)

9. Emmet Cullen (because he's just too darn adorable to resist!!)

10. Paul Varjack (or more appropriately,as he keeps being called throughout the movie,fred,in the most incredible chick flick of all time,"breakfast at tiffany's".yay fred!)

so,tell me what you think.or who you think should definitely have been on the list!as far as i'm concerened,this list is pretty darn perfect :D

Dreams

I want to soar higher than ever before. I want to reach out and touch the sky high above and feel my dreams within my reach. I want ever so dearly, to feel wanted,worthy,treasured... What does it take to make you realize that you DO matter and that you CAN make a difference? What will it take to leave a mark,my mark,on the world i live in; a mark that won't be quick to wash itself away... I need to break free, I need to escape. I need to learn to believe in myself. In myself,and my ability to be all that I've ever longed to be...to be able to live to my utmost potential,the potential I know I have, to be the person I know i can be...that would be everything...

Vulnerable

I want to be the center of somebody's universe. I want to have that feeling you get when somebody looks at you like a blind man staring at the sun for the first time. I want to have that someone who i can turn to when i'm confused, lonely or in despair. Someone who can make me feel like the luckiest girl on the planet, who makes me feel amazing about myself just with a single look; makes me feel wanted. I want to feel his presence in the air around me. I want that somebody who'll love every part of me for ME, wants the good in me but is also ready to accept the bad in me and help me overcome it. I want to be the one, HIS one, and i want him to be fully and wholly mine. Always and forever..

Nothing Is Ever Good Enough

do you ever get the feeling that sometimes,all people can see is the shell you put up around you? its like me with my bad temper.nobody realizes that maybe all i want to do is protect myself from people who want to hurt me,or take advantage of me.because i've been there,and trust me,i was in a pretty dark place for two years as a consequence.i used to come home and bury my face into my pillow and cry until i had no more tears left in me.that was my only release.i didn't have anybody to tell how i felt you see.

it is so..frustrating,to realize nobody really knows what's really going on in your head.sometimes you just want people to get a clue.i mean,seriously,it's no wonder most teenagers suffer low self esteem.who wouldn't,with so many pressures bearing down on them?

parents are a classic example.if you have parents who remind you they're proud of you on at least a semi regular basis,you're one of the lucky few.it's not about them saying it.a look,a single glance or a smile can say it all.most kids just want to be assured that they're not doing too shabby.

or,you can have parents like mine,who love you to death and would do anything for you,but they seriously fall short on the listening department.they tell you what they want for you in the future,what decisions they feel comfortable with you taking,what kind of a life would be best suited for the kind of person you're growing up to be.they tell you what's wrong with you over and over and over again until you're ready to scream uncle.you're sullen,you're not a bright happy teenager,you need a serious attitude readjustment,why can't you just SMILE more often..

i'll tell you why i don't smile all the time.because i'm just not that girl.if you want a preppy,chirpy cheerleader kind of girl you've got the wrong teenager!!

i DO smile.and i do LAUGH.a lot.but lately my parents seem to be looking for a way to make me undermine myself,to remind me how exactly i fall short.ever since my brother's engagement,the house has been going topsy turvy and my parents seem obsessed with getting every detail right.i have college apps,entry tests,and all that shit to take care of.as a matter of fact,in a grand twist of events designed to completely screw me over,the entry exam for the university i actually want to go to...is the same day as my brothers wedding.

yeah.you can stop laughing now.point is,i'm going in over my head with wedding prep AND studying AND making guest lists AND providing entertainment AND giving entry tests to like a billion universities and i would really appreciate five minutes of my moms time to kind of remind me that i am not a complete douchebag and i CAN do this because i am going over the edge here with stress and i could really use somebody to talk to for like TWO SECONDS because my best friend is completely AWOL and my mom sure seems to have enough time for her friends helping her with the wedding prep.

I'M helping too!!!and i NEED her!whenever i try to talk to her she either interrupts me or blows me off and after all that she blows up her temper in my face every single day to remind me i'm not doing things right or that i'm not looking happy enough and i better get my act together and mold a smile on my face or she won't want to look at my face and its all i can do to not be rude and retort.i'm not strong enough to press a smile on my face with all that resentment boiling inside,so i'm really sorry i'm not smiling often enough mom,its going to take some time to get the fake grin imprinted on my face but i swear to God i will,if that means i'm rid of your constant reprimands than i sure as hell will

okay,im done ranting now

do you ever get the feeling that there's more you were meant to be? Like there's so many other ways you can be defined, not just by the labels people at school or work tag you with. I know I do. I get that feeling all the time, particularly when I look at the way people see me.people see me as agressive.they're not sure how to approach me because i always wear this guarded expression on my face.i don't smile at strangers.i don't laugh much except with the people close to me.i'm a tough nut.it's not easy to get me to open up.but once you do..i bare all but my soul to you..

even so, it still feels like sometimes people don't take the time to look deeper.to glance beyond what they see on the surface.like for instance, nobody's ever really Bwondered exactly why i'm so agressive.they don't know the kind of person i was back when i was thirteen,fourteen.i was your average girl next door. i wasn't a saint,i didn't gel with just anybody, but i always found that i had it in me to bring out a smile and exchange a few words.

not anymore.

back in my early,impressionable teenage years,i was stuck in a pretty dark place.i had nobody around me that i could trust.people looked for a scandal,they wanted to look for a scapegoat they could spread rumors about.my dad was kind of a hotshot working where he was, and he was a big man in the neighborhood.i guess i was the easiest target.they walked and trampled all over me,took advantage of my trusting nature.it wasn't a hard job to get friendly with me,i was a generally happy person then.okay,so i wasn't the chirpiest person in the world but i was anything but sullen and distrusting.i always gave people the benefit of the doubt and eventually,i realized that my faith in people in general was wasted on the people there.they all just turned around and stabbed me in the back later.

life was pretty tough then.all i wanted was to find a friend or two i could trust,talk to,shop with...just your average girl things..i wasn't looking for a soulmate.i just wanted somebody to talk to.

i never found that person.at least,not until,by a divine miracle,my dad got a transfer to a different city at an even bigger post and i finally found myself some friends.but after that i was much more cautious.people say i'm a bitch.that my moods are unpredictable and it's so hard to approach me because i always wear this look like i'm about to bite the other person's hand off.

but i'm not.i'm not that person.at least,i don't want to be.i don't want to be bitter or sullen and completely unapproachable.i was never that person and it's not who i am now.but how do you change how people percieve you? and even more importantly..how do you get yourself to commit yourself to the change and make it stick?