Leaving My Mark..

Everybody wants to leave their mark...some kind of indication that they too, walked the very same surface your steps tread now..

But how do you get there? What does it take for your footsteps to distinguish themselves from others? Is being plain good simply enough? Not many are remembered for being merely good. They're known for being great. Mighty and terrible and wrathful,perhaps,but great all the same. They knew what they wanted : glory. And they got it. By whatever means possible.

But how does an ordinary person such as yourself, get recognition. How does your memory go on living, even when your body and mind have died? I'm not much. I'm compassionate, and I have a big heart, but that doesn't really account for much. You don't see many grave stones with epitaphs saying "Here lies ____, a good man"

You want to be remembered? You've got to be great. You've got to have something nobody has but you.

How? I have no idea. Comment if you have any clue

Mad, mad, mad!

Okay, no, I'm not really that mad. I'm just tired of being mad. Like this lame fight with my best friend over God knows what. At some point, you just don't care anymore, you know. You just want to get over the whole situation and get things back on track and back to normal because your whole reason for fighting just seems incredibly stupid now.

It's half me, of course. I'm not completely blinded by my indignant self righteousness. I know it's a two way street and I have some part of the blame to shoulder for all the untied knots in my relationships. I'm just long overdue for some changes. Like...I know that I can't expect to turn around after I've screwed up in some way and expect to find people waiting for me with their arms streched out to embrace me. It doesn't work that way. You've got to work to bring yourself to that place, to that point, like my mom did. Except she didn't screw up. Her step mom did and she had to shoulder the blame for seventeen long, drawn out years. But she came out stronger than she had ever imagined she was capable of being. And it's made her who she is today. And who she is, is somebody I want to be very much..

I want to be somebody strong. Strong and unafraid and resilient. Somebody who holds absolutely no expectations from anybody. Someone, who doesn't cave under pressure or despair when things get dark and finds hope and meaning somehow. If I can be that somebody, that somebody who's not vulnerable and isn't affected by what the world thinks of her, then I've won. If I can find it in me to love like nobody's loved before, and that too unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...then I'm stronger than anybody ever thought I could be. When I can learn to trust MYSELF and learn how to stand strong and not reveal weaknesses, then I'm halfway there. I must, more than anything, learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. It's what gets me in trouble more than anything else. I get flared up and then I lash out and then ten seconds later I'm wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. And I'm incapable of hiding emotion too. My face betrays me every single time, willing or not. That's another thing I need to work on..

It seems kind of a long list of things to work on right now, but God willing if I live long enough maybe I can cross off everything on it someday. You never know

P.S : Did I mention I'm a huge klutz? My family's declared my middle name should be clumsy, I'm that incapable of walking on my own two feet without finding something to trip over...I'll trip on my toes if I find nothing else, I'm that bad...

Also, I talk too fast. I don't know why. I never realize it, but everybody says I do. But that's one thing that I'm already working on crossing off the list!

Lately...

I haven't spoken to my best friend in four days. We've kind of had a fight and I'm not even sure what it was all about. Rest assured, it was about something incredibly dumb and stupid..
Apart from that, my sister had her baby. I'm now an aunt. It's an incredible feeling, especially when you know you're going to be such a central figure in this child's life, that you're going to be around long enough to get close to him and know him and watch him grow up and take in everything there is to in life. I have an inkling into how much a mom really cares about her child after watching my sister...and if I,as an aunt, can feel so strongly protective about him and love him so..then she must want to jump into fire for him...I love this kid like I haven't loved anybody before. How much, how very deeply, I care about my sister, can only be eclipsed by the love I carry for her child, her beautiful baby boy. I hope he knows how much this aunt cares about him, and that I get to be there for him as he grows up...as I know I want to be...

I love my little nephew, and apart from that life is amazing in general, but...I don't know...for the past couple of days, I've just been high strung as anything. It's been one of those periods where everything just seems bleaker than it would on any other day. Everything and anything sets me off. Sad songs make my eyes fill up. Happy endings make me cry. A kiss between two people who love each other in a book or a movie makes me cry. Sentimental talk and looking at my little nephew makes me cry. I've just been really,absurdly high strung...!..

I'm such an idiot.

I guess it's just...I haven't talked to my best friend in so long and everybody else is busy with their own summer plans and I don't have anybody to talk to lately, except for when I talk to baby Z when I'm allowed to have him in my arms (only twice so far,and barely for ten seconds both times. He's in high demand right now, the grandparents won't let him go long enough for me to spend any time with him) and I'm just feeling pretty let down with all the silence and keeping my thoughts bottled up inside my head for so long and not being able to talk to anybody.

College orientation on the second of september...and classes start on the seventh..I'm praying everything goes okay...I just want to fit in, and gel with a crowd and be a part of something that'll bring me much happiness. It is one thousand, four hundred and sixty days of my life, after all. Out of a possible thirty to forty thousand..I want to make sure I spend the time well!

Of New Beginnings...

It's true, i tell you! This summer,for me,has just entirely been about new beginnings...it's like..this chapter of my life....the one i've been living for the past five years...is now drawing to a close, and I'm entering this completely new phase in my life that's different from anything I've encountered before...

Summer sun and wedding bells, baby cradles and college apps...that's how i spent my summer this year...

Let's see...my brother got married, like I said. I got my results from finals and I have officially graduated with honors..I got into every university i applied to,none of them were ivy league material,trust me,so it's not that big of a deal...and...i'm also going to be an aunt soon...

In one day's time to be exact...the baby's going to be my cousin's...we're the only two girls in our entire extended family so we're more like sisters than cousins and have always been that way...so it's a pretty big deal...the baby's coming as if he were my own sister's,im that involved in everything, and i'm sure to be on nanny duty very often,that's certain!

Like i told you before, my brother got married. The girl he got married to is twenty three. You might think that's too young but where i come from, twenty two and twenty three are the ideal ages to get married and any girl who's still single when she's twenty eight is deemed unworthy. Anyway,the girl; Let's call her S. S is a chartered accountant, kind of heavy as far as her weight is concerened, and she has a brother and a sister. The brother i don't mind. The sister, is one different story completely...I really do not like her. She thinks she's so much better than the rest of us, she's pretty and thin, and she knows it. She's studied in a snob school half her life and that hasn't done much to build her far from pleasent personality. She's cordial, that's the most i can say about how she treats me...

And the girl....my brother likes her..but she's really not the sisterly type and she's very,very headstrong, so it's all just a little confusing at the moment...i guess we just have to wait it out and hope that my brother at least can point out that family is very important to him and that she better accord us the same amount of respect and love she gives to her own family...

And i finally turn eighteen next month! on the ninth of september,to be exact.and then i'm finally legit...i still don't know how to drive yet though..i mean,i WOULD,if only we had a car...

don't get me wrong, we're not bumpkins,we DID have a car,but then my dad sold it because it wasn't as fine tuned as it used to be,and besides, my dad has two company cars from where he works so it wasn't like it was being driven regularly anyway..but we still need a family car we can all drive you know,so my dad's on the hunt,looking for a car that both my brother and i can drive around in too!

other than that,there's really nothing much up.the usual.ten taliban militants captured in waziristan.five military operatives killed,twelve wounded,in action.life goes on.more of the same.

it's become so routine i don't even get fazed anymore...

i just hope,and PRAY to God we can fight this and drive out the extremism....for good..