Can You Make It Through The Day

as the days pass, i'm beginning to doubt how resilient i can really be.

here's the thing. i'm not a brown pebble in a sea of rocks. i'm not. trust me. when i want to, i can gell in just as well as i want. most of my life, i've just been one in a sea of faces. i'm not one to stand out. i don't look for attention. i don't cry out, hoping to be heard, wishing somebody'll look my way.

though to be honest, i wouldn't mind somebody turning their head up. with the way things have been lately, i've been taking strength from within me and trying to fill this void that's in my heart, because a part of me? it feels empty. it needs filling.

i've always taken pride in how i'm whole unto me. i don't need people to lift me higher, i don't need a boy to boost my ego or friends to tell me how great i am. i know what i am, and though my spirit's different than most, i don't voice the contradictions i have with people. take for instance, college. today was the last day of my first semester, and i walked out with a smile on my face, only to see i was all alone. my so called friends had left me behind to go out and celebrate. i'll admit, they're not the best and brightest people i've met, but i like most of them. they're nice to me, and if i can deal with being left behind most days, they're okay with me.

only i'm not. okay with being left behind. but what do i do, scream at the sky till they hear me? till i make myself clearer that i want to be treated like i matter, like i belong? my pride won't allow it. so when they do thoughtless stuff like this, i let it slide and pretend i don't care.

i do care. it's not okay for you to turn your back on me. it's not fine when you leave me behind and shrug it off. i don't expect you to give me special treatment. but the least you can do is show me the courtesy of waiting till everyone's out of the exam room so we can go out and celebrate the end of semester together. i texted one of them, the one who used to be MY particular friend before this, and asked her where she and the others had gone. an hour later, she texts back something miserly about how she's sorry, they just decided to leave.

this one in particular, used to be one of my best friends. why would she leave me behind? i wouldn't, she knows i wouldn't?

you want to know a secret? sometimes when i come home and the house is empty because my dad's a workaholic, my brother's as good as not there because he doesn't come into the house till midnight or so, and even when he does, i might as well be talking to the walls, we're not at all close. and my mom..well, she's the strongest person i know. i'd be ashamed to take my petty girl issues to her.she's been through a hell of a lot worse. when i come home, i look at the empty house, think about the bottled up emotions i keep about my sort of friends and break down. talk about stupid. it makes my face turn red later. it's so STUPID. i shouldn't even cry about something as petty as this. but not belonging anywhere and feeling like nobody gives a shit takes its toll sometimes. and all i want is someone, anyone, to reach a hand out and tell me i mean something and that they wouldn't ever leave me behind, i deserve better than that.

i really wish someone would. maybe someday, someone will. i've been waiting. i hope they do.