Your Guardian Angel

So there's this song...it's called "your guardian angel" by the red jumpsuit apparatus. And whenever i listen to it i get this wierd calm over me,like everything's going to be okay. My life is great.Really.Despite the fact that i'm kind of in the middle of a war here (screw the taliban,by the way,they're ruining our lives) ,the fact that I still have like a dozen college apps scattered on my desk that I still have to fill out, that my best friend's moved away halfway across the country, my brother's getting married in two weeks and i haven't even picked out a dress yet,not to mention that i still haven't worked on any routines for the party before that.Oh,and did i mention that my ex best friend,who by the way,LIVES to plot about how to screw me over next,is totally up to something because all of a sudden she is being nice in an almost sleezy creepy way? besides,nice is so uncharactastic of her that i wouldn't buy it for a second.after everything she's put me through,there's no way i'm falling for her scams.in case you're losing track of how many best friends i mentioned here,like i mentioned in my posts before in the earliest ones,we used to be a threesome,and we were as different as night and day but we were as close as nobody i've ever seen.but she betrayed us.turned out she'd been lying to us for a little over a year and before that,it had been going downhill anyway.we couldn't trust her anymore.ever since then,we've kind of been very,very bitter.

anyway,i'm completely missing the point.what was i talking about anyway? oh right.guardian angels.wouldn't they be awesome?well,one really would do the trick.wouldn't it be amazing if each one of us had a guardian angel of our own? That'd get rid of all my problems in a minute. I'd stop feeling so insecure and unsure of myself all the time,people would stop judging me and thinking that i'm just another pretty,aggressive bitch. It'd keep out all the malice,injustice and cruelty in my life.and thanks to queen B,the malice just keeps on coming.i'd love it to stop.there are just times when you can't deal with all of it,the hurt,the pain,the confusion and the fear,all on your own..sometimes,you just need a helping hand...most of the times though..you just really want somebody to be there to listen...

And if you're lucky,you do find your guardian angel.They could be a friend,your mom,your boyfriend or the love of your life.They could come in any shape or form.But as long as they're there to be with you during the darker days...to remind you,in the most bleak of moments,that there's still meaning and purpose..that the confusion and the fear you feel..that's life,and that there's still something worth fighting for. it doesn't matter then.You've got everything you need right there.... When life gets too overwhelming to face alone,don't be afraid to look for support.Sometimes,all we need is somebody to tell us it's okay,it's all going to BE okay,and that you do have the strength to pull through this. A little confidence and faith,that's all we really need. Knowing that there's somebody who believes,with all their heart,that you can get through whatever is holding you back..that's everything..

A Text From Queen B

ooh,so i got a text from queen B yesterday.you see,my brother just got recently engaged,and us being Muslims,we're going to have a proper ring ceremony and everything where they sign official marraige documents declaring them man and wife before the rukhsati.thats the ceremony when you get to take the bride home.and since my brother is still currently a student and as such,not employed,therefore the rukhsati will only take place once my brothers a bonafide employee for some company or the other and after he's done with his masters.

but that won't be for another year.

so till then,he's only engaged.

so then i get this text from queen B,i have no idea how she found out,though i guess i shouldnt be surprised,i always said she had a big mouth and big ears to go with it.

so then i get this text,going "hey,congratulations on your brothers engagement :) peace."

yeah.thats another things shes started to do.she ends every text with "peace".what the hell is that about?!

anyway,i answered back a simple "thanks" and left it at that and i guess she didnt find anything to bitchfest me about,so she didnt text back anything.thank God.once we get fighting its hard to stop because theres no limit to how low she'll go to hurt me,and theres no extent to my temper,so..

my family always says my face is like an open book.you can tell exactly when im sad,depressed,morose,happy or completely excited.and right then,my face said i was really really down.that happens when she texts sometimes.i get depressed for about thirty seconds,then i remember all the unbelievable things she said to xenab and me and then righteous indignation overcomes me and i forget about being sad..

Random Musings..

I'm at this breaking point in my life when i'm realizing that your mom,your friends or your family...they just can't give you all the answers, work out your problems for you. They can't always be counted upon to tell you what the right thing to do is. You have to trust yourself to make those choices..Now,suddenly,all your decisions seem to be on a whole different level from the choices everybody else is making. And you find that you have to trust in your heart and your judgement, and learn to make your own choices,without having to double check from somebody else...

I've never learnt to completely trust myself. There's always this nagging feeling at the back of my head that makes me fear my judgement isn't sound enough and that I need to consult somebody else. But now I find that it's a lesson I must learn as soon as I can...

summer time!!

the start of summer can only mean two things

1. time to party,people!
2. good hair days!!summer always brings out the best in my curls!

the party has yet to begin,but whatever.it will! i just have the one practical left,and then i'm completely free to do as i please!

i was sitting there bored at this cafe called mint,with my cousins and my brother,and i had nothing better to do than completely butcher this candle apart ^

lame,no? but hell,i was bored

it is sevenish and im supposed to go out and walk with dia now.update later.tonight most probably.seeing as how the party hasnt yet started and i have nothing better to do!

though come to think of it,im getting so prepped up about updating but i dont even have any people following this blog so there is really no point to the fast updating.but i like it.this is a great way to while the time away when you are completely bored and in over your head,followers or no followers!

The Final Cut

what happened,simply put,was this :

somewhere in this extremely dysfunctional phase of our friendship, i and queen B had a fight..i don't remember about what exactly.it was probably another crazy something that she'd done that i'd disapproved of,i expect.anyway,point is,we weren't talking,it must've been at least a week of solid silence when i got the text..

oh God,that text. It started a wave of drama in my life that i have to deal with practically every day now..

so i'm just sitting there,reading or something,the details are fuzzy..and my cell phone beeps to let me know i've got a text message.it's from queen B herself.i know her too well to know she's not texting to apologize,so i open it wondering what she could possibly want to say..

the text said : "i have to tell you something"

i wrote back : "so tell me"

i got this reply : "i have a boyfriend,we've been seeing each other for eight months"

so that was shock number one.not the boyfriend part.after all the crazy antics i expected it.but eight months?! she'd lied to us for eight months?!

and the cherry on the cake was,i knew of the guy.and frankly,he's bullcrap.that's what her excuse for not telling me had been. "i knew you'd never approve of my seeing him so i kept it from you"

of course,first thing i did was grab my phone and ring up merry.

"do you know?!" I asked her breathlessly
"yeah,she texted me about two hours ago to tell me"
i frowned "two hours ago?and why didn't she tell me at the same time she told you?"
"you were at school remember?" in the school i study in,which isn't the same as merry,i have school on saturdays too "besides," she continued "even the fact she texted you is big.she wasn't going to,she said i'm going to wait till we make up to tell her.thats when i told her that either you're going to tell her now or i sure as hell will"

me,still dazed : damn,she hid this from us for eight months
merry : it could've been forever,the only reason she even told us is because she spilled the beans to one of her friends in class and she was afraid of what we'd say if we heard it from somebody else,so she's playing it clean and honest.

me : okay.now what.i'm really not inclined to forgive her at the moment
merry : this is the height of it.after everything she's been up to,this is just the icing on the cake.

we let off steam on the phone for well over an hour before we decided we were going to stop talking to her,period.completely give her the silent treatment.

and that's exactly what we did.oh she apologized,sure she apologized.but none of it was heartfelt enough to move me to let it slide.i could handle her friends,i could still be friends while she was becoming into this alien paris hilton clone.

but a violation of my trust..that's something i've never been able to forgive and never will.

once queen B realized her apologies weren't moving us,she went from being apologetic to downright insulting.she hurled insults,told me i was a crappy friend,that i was only there for her when it was all fun and games to which i replied "excuse me,you're the one who lied to us,you're the one who kept your issues to yourself and wouldn't let us in,you didn't tell us about your parents issues ( yes we found that out also) , you didn't tell us about this loser boyfriend,and YOU were the one who shut us out,so don't go blaming us for not knowing,this is all you"

needless to say,she didn't like that very much..

so then she ranted and cursed and cussed some more and me,having my temper issues and all,would not have been able to contain my anger so i just stuck to the plan and ignored her.

since that time,there has been only a fortnight that we talked,in the middle when one of her friends from middle school died and she was seriously upset about it (okay,the friend was kind of a dimwit too,he died in a driving accident because he was going the wrong way on a one way road,deliberately,apparently he was too busy racing another guy to notice traffic regulations) but still,it was her friend,you know? so i was there for her,or i tried to be.i called her up every half hour to see how she was doing and i met her and we spent some time together for a while.but then she got over it and went right back to square one and i was frankly,disgusted.she was never going to change and there was nothing i could possibly do about it,so i just told her goodbye and we haven't talked since

except for fighting.she's taken quite a fancy to stalking me and sending me insulting messages or trying to provoke me.okay,i have a seriously hot temper but even i stopped getting mad about what she'd say because she'd say it so routinely and so often to try to work me up that it just got old.and ever since then,let's just say,i've seen who she really is.you only really find out what a person is like when you see how they treat people other than their special friends.okay,im not just some person,i'm supposed to be the enemy here,or as far as she's concerened anyway.but i've had dogs bite me who probably mean better than she does.she is,i can sum it up in one word,poisonous.she wants to poison things between us forever,i just want to be able to go on living my life without her and she keeps coming back with another dramatic entrance where she tries to demean me,my life,my faiths...it's just too tiresome and i don't want to deal with it and i just wish she'd butt the hell out but she won't.and i'm so sick of it.i'm not the kind of girl who butts heads with somebody forever.i'm quick to anger but equally quick to please,and it's just not in me,this feud that seems to last forever.there's no extent to how low she goes in her efforts to demean me and degrade every last inch of my life and she's in serious denial.she refuses to take responsibility for her life,she's convinced that me and merry are responsible for our splitting apart,and now she plays the "oh pfft,whatever,im soooo glad they're gone,especially that bitch,oh God she was such a freakkk,can't believe i was ever friends with her" card.this was after she played the victim card so everybodys all "poor girl," but she's not.she's a shallow hollow girl who only cares about partying and i don't miss her at all.do i miss the bright eyed,curly haired girl i was first friends with?yes.very much so.but not her,not who she is now.this is somebody i just don't recognize....

Falling Apart..

so she moved.queen B was officially on the other side of the country.it was the furthest her dad's ever been transferred,so yeah,it was more than a little dismaying..

but okay,i could've dealt with that.she was my best friend and all,but at least i had merry,you know.she didn't have anybody all the way over there.

boy was i wrong.

turns out she'd had quite a lot of people to be with...

i first started noticing things were wierd when she started being vague about some matters.the first couple of months she was stuck in a school she didn't like with people she couldn't stand.

so they made her get a transfer.she moved to a different school.and then she was as happy as could be.when i'd call she'd babble away about how sweet her friends were and how nicely they'd welcomed her and how all the cute guys were asking her out now,and whatnot..

so there was me going "yay,she's finally settling in now,good for her"

she settled in,but gradually as the months went by,i started to notice some changes.so did merry,and we were concerned.because her stories of school and friends just kept getting more outrageous as the days passed..her group of friends wasn't one i'd ever have chosen for myself,let alone her.one day she called and she's going "haha,today school was so much fun, we were getting soo bored so we decided to get up the third storey and chuck stuff out the window"

and there's me going "uhhhrmm...r-ight.okay"

another day she's liable to come up with a pic of herself completely shoving herself in a guys lap,or taking pics of her butt and whatnot.i was alarmed,okay.she was turning into a regular paris hilton and there was nothing i was saying that would sink through that majorly thick skull of hers.me and merry,we tried.we really did.she stayed in karachi two years and we did everything we could to get her to stop the crazy antics.because thats not who she was and thats certainly not who we are.it was getting ridiculous..and its not like she was getting any great guidance from her family...her sisters were completely engrossed in their own little world and her parents,they had issues of their own.her mom was fiercely independent and career's always seemed to be a bigger priority than actually sticking around to guide your kid.so we were on our own.

and nothing we said or told her did any good.we've had the most fights we've ever had in those two years she was there because we kept trying to stick some sense in her head and she refused to listen to either of us...

and then when those two years were up,her dad transferred.yes,again.life is crazy for us that way.

and he transferred here.right in the city where me and merry were.well,technically,my place is the furthest,it's a forty minute drive from merry's house,but where queen B was moving was literally a ten minute walking distance from her house.

so she's moved,we should be ecstatic right?now we get to see her all the time,she lives right here,it can be like it was when we were thirteen,we can be a threesome again,right

wrong.

everything was okay in the first week.but then queen B joined the same school merry was at.

thats when we started getting the funny,wary glances.because queen B was just as rambunctious in this school as she'd been in the previous one.whenever people mentioned her and i said "oh yeah,her,she's my best friend" i am not exaggerating here,people would actually raise their eyebrows and eye me warily,as if to say "seriously,you're friends with her?"

and i was even more conscious of the changes in her now because she was now right in front of me.i could see her acting up,cutting class,getting into trouble,sneaking out of class to meet guys, drawing attention to herself by acting obnoxious...it was just really really embarassing for me..

but theres not exactly anything i could do about it.whenever i tried to mention to her that she was making a complete ass of herself,people were laughing at her and thought she was completely dense in the head,she'd just call me a prude and laugh at me.what could you do with such a person

it had been building up...this wall,that was suddenly coming up between us.i and merry were on one side of it and she was on another.it wouldn't take much to come between us on a permanent basis,i could feel that.we couldn't keep walking this thin wire like we were,one of us was going to fall off sooner or later if we tried to keep things going the way they were...it wouldn't have taken anything monumental to split us apart...

and just then...it did..

Enter Merry

let's call her merry.she's always smiling and she's one hell of an optimist,that suits her as well as any other

merry,for the past couple of years,had been living in saudi arabia where her dad had been transferred.she and queen B had been best friends since they'd been toddlers.and they'd always kept in touch.

i'd heard of her of course.but i really didn't know who she was,or what kind of a person she'd turn out to be or anything,queen B never talked about her that much,she was her best friend,you'd think i know more about her.all i knew was her name and that she'd been living in riyaadh for the past number of years

anyway,three months before my thirteenth birthday,guess who i found out was moving back to the country?

yeah,you got that right.merry was back

i didn't really even know when she landed in the city but i just get this phone call from queen B going "she's here!"

i didn't bother asking who,i knew.

"here?as in,she's landed?"
"as in,she's in my HOUSE!come over!"
"i'll be there in ten" i hung up

so i called my dad to ask if the car could be brought from the office back to the apartment,i needed to go to queen B's house.

as it turned out,the car and the driver couldn't be spared because my dad needed him at the office,or something along those lines.

but i'd promised to be there,plus i was itching to meet merry.

so i lugged my bike out the garage,hopped on the seat,and biked all the way.

well,not all the way completely.i'd just left my neighborhood when my tyre gave way and started deflating.it was four p.m. and still burning hot outside,you could have cracked an egg on the ground and it'd start cooking.

so i walked the rest of the way.and it was really out of the way.it took me about forty minutes to walk from where i'd hopped off the bike,all teh longer because i had that huge hunk of metal to lug along half the way too.

by the time i got to queen B's house,it was late afternoon and the back of my half sleeved T was sticking to my back with sweat.my hair looked like a grenade had gone off somewhere in my curls and my face was colored bright red with the heat.

needless to say,i've been in lighter moods than that

anyway,i was so sick of staying in the sun i didn't even bother ringing the doorbell,i just stalked right in,cool as you please,and trudged up the stairs after wheezing out a hello to her mom and sister who met me while i was walking in the door.

in front of her room,i grabbed the handle,swung the door straight open and wheezed,still breathless from the exercise,

"*insert queen B's name here* (i said it more like an expletive than anything else) YOU IDIOT!"

then i stopped.because next to queen B,who'd been lounging on the bed,was sitting this girl with dark straight hair,a round face and a mouth that was forming a silent O just then.

i shuffled my feet against the floor. "uh.hi!"

queen B,with a bored expression on her face,like my spectacular entrance didn't surprise her in the least bit, said "M,this is merry.merry,meet M"

and then she smiled.i grinned back

and that,my friends,was the beginning of a beautiful friendship

seriously,after that,i'd bike over (in the evening,when it was cool and shady and there was no chance of getting completely sunburnt again) every single day to hang out with them,we'd spy on queen B's cute neighbor from her window,re enact parents trap like we used to (this had been a queen B and merry thing to do before me and queen B started doing it) and altogether acting like complete goofs.anybody looking at us must have thought we were ten,though i'd just turned thirteen,and merry was half a year older.

then,thanks to our dads jobs,all three of who worked for the same organization,had all us transferred one by one to different parts of the country.thats the part about being me.you have to reconcile yourself to living a very unstable life.you move,you settle in,you're just beginning to make a place for yourself in school,get in good with your friends,when presto,you have to move again.

but there are a lot of perks to such a life too.you can always start over.you can wipe out all the bad memories and start afresh if you weren't happy before.besides,i've met a lot of people and made a lot of lifelong friends from this so i wouldnt trade it for the world,dispite having to move around all the time..

i got transferred to one state,merry moved to a completely different corner of the country,and queen B moved to a little town in the middle of nowhere that was a two hour drive from where i was.despite that,we didnt get to meet too often.we only met like a couple of times every few months.meetings were few and cherished,and we'd go crazy with hyperactiveness every time we met.

those two years i spent when i moved THAT time,were the worst years of my life.it was a little town literally in the middle of an ocean of ignorance,and i had nothing in common with the people there.i had a very tough time of it,i didn't have any friends who weren't really talking behind my back in secret or plotting something to embarass me in front of th whole school.you couldn't trust anybody.i spent two years,crying into my pillow every day when i came back from my school,and practically stopped seeing the sunshine,i'd just prefer to sit inside in the four walled confines of my room.at least nobody could hurt me there.i wouldn't have to deal with people making up stories about me or hurling verbal abuses in my face..

those were tough days...but i've learnt to stop looking back,all that matters is,that finally after two years of heavy endurance,i was out.my dad got transferred again.and we moved to civilization again,a city where there were people who actually had the words "compassion" listed in their dictionary.finally,a place where at the very least,i'd have something to talk about with the people there! i mean,back where i'd come from,people didn't even know what the bsb were,for crying out loud.harry potter and backstreet boys or the spice girls,basic stuff every teen is familiar with,were blank words when spoken about to them.

but before i moved away,queen B got another transfer.this happened about half a year before i moved away from that hellhole i had to call home for so long..

we went to say goodbye to her,merry and i.merrys dad had gotten a transfer in between those years,back to the city all three of us had been together,and from my house i drove through the motorway to her house from where we left to go to queen B's grandad's place.thats where queen B and her family were staying till their flight two days later,since all their things were packed and all.

we had fun.we spent the whole day with her.we went to the mini golf course,hung out behind the swings in the park close to her grandads house,and went out to grab a little something to eat together.

we waved goodbye to her from merrys car.my car was still at merrys place,waitintg to take me back.while we waved,i said a little prayer and hoped that whereever she went,queen B would find plenty of friends and settle in brilliantly.this was the furthest transfer she'd ever had to go through,it was really far away,and she was seriously scared about settling into a new place all over again.when you're fourteen,or any age in your teens for that matter,it's just all about settling in,finding friends,making a place for you in school.its the age i resented my dads moving around the most,it just got tiring,to have to start all over again just when you're starting to make friends in your new hometown...it's not like when you're little.you can't just share a ride on a swing and be best friends,it's so easy when you're a kid.for a teenager,not so much...

but i didn't realize just how far she'd go.and i don't mean that in terms of physical presence either.of course she was moving.we all did,that was the pattern of our lives,we all had to move away from each other every few years.

but she really went away from me.far out of my reach.she went away to a place i couldn't reach her,not by catching a plane to her house.nothing

i couldn't reach her anymore.that's when i had my second defining moment in life..