do you ever get the feeling that sometimes,all people can see is the shell you put up around you? its like me with my bad temper.nobody realizes that maybe all i want to do is protect myself from people who want to hurt me,or take advantage of me.because i've been there,and trust me,i was in a pretty dark place for two years as a consequence.i used to come home and bury my face into my pillow and cry until i had no more tears left in me.that was my only release.i didn't have anybody to tell how i felt you see.
it is so..frustrating,to realize nobody really knows what's really going on in your head.sometimes you just want people to get a clue.i mean,seriously,it's no wonder most teenagers suffer low self esteem.who wouldn't,with so many pressures bearing down on them?
parents are a classic example.if you have parents who remind you they're proud of you on at least a semi regular basis,you're one of the lucky few.it's not about them saying it.a look,a single glance or a smile can say it all.most kids just want to be assured that they're not doing too shabby.
or,you can have parents like mine,who love you to death and would do anything for you,but they seriously fall short on the listening department.they tell you what they want for you in the future,what decisions they feel comfortable with you taking,what kind of a life would be best suited for the kind of person you're growing up to be.they tell you what's wrong with you over and over and over again until you're ready to scream uncle.you're sullen,you're not a bright happy teenager,you need a serious attitude readjustment,why can't you just SMILE more often..
i'll tell you why i don't smile all the time.because i'm just not that girl.if you want a preppy,chirpy cheerleader kind of girl you've got the wrong teenager!!
i DO smile.and i do LAUGH.a lot.but lately my parents seem to be looking for a way to make me undermine myself,to remind me how exactly i fall short.ever since my brother's engagement,the house has been going topsy turvy and my parents seem obsessed with getting every detail right.i have college apps,entry tests,and all that shit to take care of.as a matter of fact,in a grand twist of events designed to completely screw me over,the entry exam for the university i actually want to go to...is the same day as my brothers wedding.
yeah.you can stop laughing now.point is,i'm going in over my head with wedding prep AND studying AND making guest lists AND providing entertainment AND giving entry tests to like a billion universities and i would really appreciate five minutes of my moms time to kind of remind me that i am not a complete douchebag and i CAN do this because i am going over the edge here with stress and i could really use somebody to talk to for like TWO SECONDS because my best friend is completely AWOL and my mom sure seems to have enough time for her friends helping her with the wedding prep.
I'M helping too!!!and i NEED her!whenever i try to talk to her she either interrupts me or blows me off and after all that she blows up her temper in my face every single day to remind me i'm not doing things right or that i'm not looking happy enough and i better get my act together and mold a smile on my face or she won't want to look at my face and its all i can do to not be rude and retort.i'm not strong enough to press a smile on my face with all that resentment boiling inside,so i'm really sorry i'm not smiling often enough mom,its going to take some time to get the fake grin imprinted on my face but i swear to God i will,if that means i'm rid of your constant reprimands than i sure as hell will
okay,im done ranting now
it is so..frustrating,to realize nobody really knows what's really going on in your head.sometimes you just want people to get a clue.i mean,seriously,it's no wonder most teenagers suffer low self esteem.who wouldn't,with so many pressures bearing down on them?
parents are a classic example.if you have parents who remind you they're proud of you on at least a semi regular basis,you're one of the lucky few.it's not about them saying it.a look,a single glance or a smile can say it all.most kids just want to be assured that they're not doing too shabby.
or,you can have parents like mine,who love you to death and would do anything for you,but they seriously fall short on the listening department.they tell you what they want for you in the future,what decisions they feel comfortable with you taking,what kind of a life would be best suited for the kind of person you're growing up to be.they tell you what's wrong with you over and over and over again until you're ready to scream uncle.you're sullen,you're not a bright happy teenager,you need a serious attitude readjustment,why can't you just SMILE more often..
i'll tell you why i don't smile all the time.because i'm just not that girl.if you want a preppy,chirpy cheerleader kind of girl you've got the wrong teenager!!
i DO smile.and i do LAUGH.a lot.but lately my parents seem to be looking for a way to make me undermine myself,to remind me how exactly i fall short.ever since my brother's engagement,the house has been going topsy turvy and my parents seem obsessed with getting every detail right.i have college apps,entry tests,and all that shit to take care of.as a matter of fact,in a grand twist of events designed to completely screw me over,the entry exam for the university i actually want to go to...is the same day as my brothers wedding.
yeah.you can stop laughing now.point is,i'm going in over my head with wedding prep AND studying AND making guest lists AND providing entertainment AND giving entry tests to like a billion universities and i would really appreciate five minutes of my moms time to kind of remind me that i am not a complete douchebag and i CAN do this because i am going over the edge here with stress and i could really use somebody to talk to for like TWO SECONDS because my best friend is completely AWOL and my mom sure seems to have enough time for her friends helping her with the wedding prep.
I'M helping too!!!and i NEED her!whenever i try to talk to her she either interrupts me or blows me off and after all that she blows up her temper in my face every single day to remind me i'm not doing things right or that i'm not looking happy enough and i better get my act together and mold a smile on my face or she won't want to look at my face and its all i can do to not be rude and retort.i'm not strong enough to press a smile on my face with all that resentment boiling inside,so i'm really sorry i'm not smiling often enough mom,its going to take some time to get the fake grin imprinted on my face but i swear to God i will,if that means i'm rid of your constant reprimands than i sure as hell will
okay,im done ranting now
I kinda know how you feel. For a really time I was bitter and hated life and thought everything sucked, but somehow I just found my way out. Hope is one of my favorite words in the English dictionary. Yes, I am one of the people ready to embrace the world (and I'm glad you are too!) But I hope everything gets better for you...it's sad that you have to be going through this. But I'll pray for you, and I hope everything gets better eventually! Have a good day! :)
ReplyDeleteI really identify myself with the beginning of your post. I mean, not now, because now I've been able to portray the "fake" smile whenever needed but I do know how its like to feel that no one understands whats on your mind, not even your best friend, and sometimes, not even yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, all I can say is that you have to do what you believe to be the right thing and always try to show the emotions you want to portray. Don't hide them for too long!
And you'll see that something will happen, something good, in the future. Never doubt it!
I know how you feel with the temper issue. But that's not all people see, promise. Just so you know, I haven't been posting due to computer problems. I'm doing this with an iPod you know. But I'll try to remain in touch.
ReplyDeletewow.three comments in one day!this just made my day :p
ReplyDeleteit just gets sooo SICKENING to try your hardest and still find that its not good enough!i mean,how much harder do you have to try to please people,sometimes it just feels like you don't have the patience or the peace of mind to put your ego aside and just be nice to people no matter how insanely bad you may feel inside..!..
First, I want to thank you for the terrific comments you posted on my latest blog. It means a lot that someone I don't even know cares, and feels the need to reach out to me. Especially when i was getting to the point where I was honestly starting to believe that no one cared. I was wrong. People do care. Which leads in to my second point.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, I am not even going to pretend it isn't. There are times when I just want to throw in the towel, but don't because my pride would be seriously bruised. I can't say that I understand completely what you're talking about, because whether or not I have been in a similar situation, I will never understand the brokenness of your heart. Never. We all need something to cling onto, some little ounce of hope. And God can be that thing. Have faith in him. I have a verse tattooed on me, that says, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it from me. But, He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I will delight in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I know you and I don't believe the same thing, but what I want you to get from this is, things will be tough, yes. But, when we are the most vulnerable is when we should rely on God. He will pick us up and carry us when we are too weary, and He will certainly do the same for you. :]
That is true! I know how its like to feel and wondering how much more is needed to we can please the others but, don't waste your time with that. Just do what you have to do and the best way you can do!
ReplyDeletethanks guys.candance,im not broken hearted!i have an amazing life,despite the fact that my countrys a battlefield for a war thats not even theirs.point is,i have amazing parents,i just wish they'd tell me what was right and not whats wrong with me sometimes.when im very down,i just start to feel like they really arent very proud of me and that,simply put,makes me feel like shit.so im just saying...it sometimes feels like nothing you do will ever be good enough,and all we really need is a fleeting glance or a smile full of pride telling us we're doing okay..i'd love a little more of that..
ReplyDelete