Okay, no, I'm not really that mad. I'm just tired of being mad. Like this lame fight with my best friend over God knows what. At some point, you just don't care anymore, you know. You just want to get over the whole situation and get things back on track and back to normal because your whole reason for fighting just seems incredibly stupid now.
It's half me, of course. I'm not completely blinded by my indignant self righteousness. I know it's a two way street and I have some part of the blame to shoulder for all the untied knots in my relationships. I'm just long overdue for some changes. Like...I know that I can't expect to turn around after I've screwed up in some way and expect to find people waiting for me with their arms streched out to embrace me. It doesn't work that way. You've got to work to bring yourself to that place, to that point, like my mom did. Except she didn't screw up. Her step mom did and she had to shoulder the blame for seventeen long, drawn out years. But she came out stronger than she had ever imagined she was capable of being. And it's made her who she is today. And who she is, is somebody I want to be very much..
I want to be somebody strong. Strong and unafraid and resilient. Somebody who holds absolutely no expectations from anybody. Someone, who doesn't cave under pressure or despair when things get dark and finds hope and meaning somehow. If I can be that somebody, that somebody who's not vulnerable and isn't affected by what the world thinks of her, then I've won. If I can find it in me to love like nobody's loved before, and that too unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...then I'm stronger than anybody ever thought I could be. When I can learn to trust MYSELF and learn how to stand strong and not reveal weaknesses, then I'm halfway there. I must, more than anything, learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. It's what gets me in trouble more than anything else. I get flared up and then I lash out and then ten seconds later I'm wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. And I'm incapable of hiding emotion too. My face betrays me every single time, willing or not. That's another thing I need to work on..
It seems kind of a long list of things to work on right now, but God willing if I live long enough maybe I can cross off everything on it someday. You never know
P.S : Did I mention I'm a huge klutz? My family's declared my middle name should be clumsy, I'm that incapable of walking on my own two feet without finding something to trip over...I'll trip on my toes if I find nothing else, I'm that bad...
Also, I talk too fast. I don't know why. I never realize it, but everybody says I do. But that's one thing that I'm already working on crossing off the list!
It's half me, of course. I'm not completely blinded by my indignant self righteousness. I know it's a two way street and I have some part of the blame to shoulder for all the untied knots in my relationships. I'm just long overdue for some changes. Like...I know that I can't expect to turn around after I've screwed up in some way and expect to find people waiting for me with their arms streched out to embrace me. It doesn't work that way. You've got to work to bring yourself to that place, to that point, like my mom did. Except she didn't screw up. Her step mom did and she had to shoulder the blame for seventeen long, drawn out years. But she came out stronger than she had ever imagined she was capable of being. And it's made her who she is today. And who she is, is somebody I want to be very much..
I want to be somebody strong. Strong and unafraid and resilient. Somebody who holds absolutely no expectations from anybody. Someone, who doesn't cave under pressure or despair when things get dark and finds hope and meaning somehow. If I can be that somebody, that somebody who's not vulnerable and isn't affected by what the world thinks of her, then I've won. If I can find it in me to love like nobody's loved before, and that too unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...then I'm stronger than anybody ever thought I could be. When I can learn to trust MYSELF and learn how to stand strong and not reveal weaknesses, then I'm halfway there. I must, more than anything, learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. It's what gets me in trouble more than anything else. I get flared up and then I lash out and then ten seconds later I'm wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. And I'm incapable of hiding emotion too. My face betrays me every single time, willing or not. That's another thing I need to work on..
It seems kind of a long list of things to work on right now, but God willing if I live long enough maybe I can cross off everything on it someday. You never know
P.S : Did I mention I'm a huge klutz? My family's declared my middle name should be clumsy, I'm that incapable of walking on my own two feet without finding something to trip over...I'll trip on my toes if I find nothing else, I'm that bad...
Also, I talk too fast. I don't know why. I never realize it, but everybody says I do. But that's one thing that I'm already working on crossing off the list!
Everybody has flaws, you can't expect to be perfect, you know? Maybe you should check out David's blog "The Rest is Still Unwritten". He's recently written about a Gratitude Journal, check it out, it might help. =)
ReplyDeleteOkay, now I know why you call yourself 'dramatic'...*rolls eyes*
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts seem so confused and yet you manage to be funny instead of broody. I love it!