okay,i THINK i'm.. (dare i say it?) forgiven. yeah, you got it.i'm referring to what i wrote and the drama that ensued after it..

she may be completely psychotic at times. but she has the biggest heart and the biggest capacity for forgiveness of anyone i know.except maybe my mom. but then i suspect my mom probably has an inivisible halo over her head, she's just that unbelievable a person.

and after i got a magnified view of her capacity for untainted awesomeness in general, i know that this friend is too.for sure. she took all of two days man.TWO DAYS.

i'd have taken a week, at the least.

even my best friend went, 'she must really like you, because you were totally awful to her'

if it counts for anything, i never MEANT to be awful!! i just have this inate tendency to screw up majorly sometimes, and this was one time, that i screwed up by hurting somebody. i've never been stupid enough to do that one before.but then, as my gran tells me 'there's a first time for everything'. for things like these, i'd rather there really wasn't. but as unpleasent as it may be, i guess you have to make mistakes sometimes to learn what not to do. no better teacher than personal experience..! even the bitter kind.especially the bitter kind.

this is one mistake anyway, that's taught me quite a bit about where i need to go as a person. and that i have awesome friends! two days man.i'm still baffled as to how somebody could let their pride go,forgive and forget, and let it slide so quickly.!.. that's one thing i wish i possessed.

till later,
over and out

MY blog. MY safehouse

I'm going to change my URL in a weeks time. telling everybody beforehand so that if i disappear off the face of the earth, you don't assume i died a virtual death or anything! i had to change it because a friend of mine...THE friend,as a matter of fact,who i mentioned in my last blog, may or may not have read this blog and gotten upset. Odds are,she has, and she is, because in her facebook status, she's ranting about a bitchy two faced friend who she can't believe she trusted. i think it's safe to assume, she meant me.

here's the thing,

i love her to death.she's an amazing friend of mine,and i would cross mountains for her.

and she kind of KNOWS all that stuff i said.i've said it to her, 'you need therapy, guy therapy' about a thousand times a day. she knows it

But that's who she is. And I love her despite that. But sometime she gets up my skin because the one thing i hate more than anything else in the world, is a person who uses other people.

And she does do that. Probably unintentionally, but she does!! and I admit, I get pissed off !

And she knows it. But I know now you don't write about friends. Even if it's on an anonymous blog where the biggest lead people have about you is your nationality. I wanted to start a blog so that people wouldn't judge me because of who I've been,or what I may have done in the past. I want people to be objective.

That will never happen if people find out about this blog and hold my honest opinions against me. I think I should just stop writing altogether. I hurt a friend accidentally, never dreaming she would a) read this, or b) get mad because i wrote it. I was stupid. i AM stupid.

I have nowhere to speak my mind. Not a blog, that i wanted to be private or personal, not a journal...nothing. Where do i turn to when i feel so consumed with my own problems, i feel like i'll explode if i don't wash out the hurt somehow. for me, that somehow is writing about it.

and oddly enough, i feel like its being taken away from me.

College

So it's been two weeks since i started college. and let me just say,to all those that claim uni days are going to be the best of my life...if THESE are supposed to be the best days of my life, hell, i'm in for a very miserable lifetime..!..

It's not that it's a bad university. Hell, my university is considered to be a very good college,and it has a really good crowd, no issues with cheapsters or fraaanshippers thus far. My issue is me. I've always been sort of low profiled, but people always knew me name. they knew who i was, where i came from, what sort of person i was..

But here for some reason i'm just kind of blending into the background. i guess it doesn't help when the one friend you have to hang out with is a complete social butterfly and people,particularly guys are falling over themselves right left and center to get a chance to get close to her.

Let me clear your misconceptions straight off. She is not sweet. She's not even honest. With herself anyway. she's fun to be with, she has a great sense of humor...and she's also completely and uncontrollably vicious when it comes to boys. She lures them in, gives them a false sense of comfort..makes them think they're the most interesting things in the world...all to get their attention...

But the minute she DOES have their attention...kersplat! she drops them like a hot potato. And the poor boy is left pining for more while she whines about how he's getting too needy and that she needs someone aloof..

She never even dates any of the guys...she just manages to make them think they have an inkling of a chance with her and then cooly tells them that no,they don't. It's all very cruel and very twisted, and she's pretty, but come on, you've got to be friggin meggan fox to attract that kind attention!

Basically..she's in it for the chase. Like just yesterday,i got this text from her saying she was obsessed with a new guy. She pointed him out to me in bahria between classes. He was cute,with brown messed up hair and a clean cut look to him. He also, did not look at her once, let alone give her the time of day. That was the whole point of the fascination.

So that's her new boy toy for the month. She said,and i quote "ughhhh,i have to get him!!!he didn't even look at me once.not once! shoot,he's like a shiny new toy i can't have :( " Is it really bad that I felt annoyed when she said that? I've made no secret of the fact that her boy addiction irritates me and makes me want to shake her sometimes?

With a friend like that by your side, it's no wonder nobody pays you any attention. Not when though you're friendly and open, you're not bold and vivacious, and you're relatively shy when you meet new people. And since I have absolutely no experience with guys, having studied in a government school where I preferred not to socialize with the cheapsters there, i have to wrack my brains to think of things to say when a guy comes up and says hello. See, I'm an excellent judge of character. No,seriously. I'm not trying to be a complete snob here,but i AM. Especially when it comes to guys. A guy need only walk up and say hello to me and I can tell you in two seconds flat whether he's a loser trying to grab your attention, or a guy geniunely worth getting to know. My friend, obviously, does not. I tell her so on a daily basis!

Anyway, the point is, with my friend grabbing everybody's attention, guys and girls alike, and me blending into the background with her at my side..i've been feeling very small lately. She has all these guys, some wanting to be with her, and a lot just okay with being friends. But nobody really pays me any attention, singles me out to talk to...nobody has since I got here anyway. other than the stupid "will you fraaanship with us" which doesn't do wonders for my confidence anyway. What is wrong with me? Why is it that people, guys and girls alike, don't see in me what they do in her. and by her, i mean this friend of mine. am i a people repeller? i don't think so. I'm fairly pretty. I'm not as tall, and I'm smaller than she is in general, I'm moderately thin and only a 5'4. I have brown hair that grew out of all the frizz and bad proportions almost a year ago. It looks pretty good now, if i do say so myself. I have a pretty good face shape and almost everybody I first meet,comments along the lines of 'how on earth are you so fair, it almost hurts to look at you'. I guess my British lineage from my mom's side (my gran was a Britisher, she came from Yorkshire) and Pathan lineage on my dad's side has something to do with it. And I don't play mind games with anybody. What you see is what you get. Then why am I not good enough for everybody else?

09/09/09 Part One

So...today's my birthday.happy birthday me.i've officially turned eighteen.finally legit and all that jazz.but you know what.i've never been more bummed out on a birthday.except maybe my fifteenth.but that was a complete nightmare,i was the only one in the house all day because my parents were out on business,my brother in isl and my gran kind of not there.i sat around staring at the walls and doing my homework all day.and since it was kamra in those days, there weren't exactly friends dropping by to wish me a happy birthday.

but this one still comes pretty close on the list.

so ever since i started college,i've been going kind of out of my mind.i've always been kind of confident and collected on the outer edge but i've never been more insecure about myself.me, myself and i just don't seem good enough these days.today was day 3 of my first week as a freshman and it's still been just me and an old friend from school, and she's lovely,mind you,but i just want to meet some new people and kind of gel in as a group somewhere.my freshman batch is clique ish like you wouldn't believe and unless you're in one, you kind of don't belong anywhere.which sucks for me,because apart from this friend, i've been flying kind of solo.i've made a huge effort to meet new people, but they just kind of smile at you for two seconds,introduce themselves, say hello and then turn their backs on you to return to their respective cliques. it's pretty hellish annoying. i've never been one for cliques and when i'm with friends at school or whatever, we usually kind of party as one big unit instead of being in small groups of three and four.

okay, so not trying to be a snob here, but none of my classmates seem as...animated,as i am.i'm kind of a free,positive, carefree soul. i'm not the girl huddled in a gaggle of other girls and giggling amongst ourselves.i'm the girl that's in the big circle of friends laughing out loud and open with having new friends at all times.and these people just...aren't.what does a girl have to do to find some friends she can talk to to spend some time with anyway?