Last night saw the eighth attack in five days.two bombs went off in Lahore in this place called Allama Iqbal Town, in the middle of what is a very busy area.twenty nine more people died, and about forty five others were admitted into a hospital with critical or minor wounds.
It's too much to take. I don't even know what to write anymore. I don't seem very capable of coherent thought in my head anymore. All i can feel is this distant numbness, a part of my consciousness that refuses to accept that this is all happening to ME.my hometown.my country. All that ever goes through my head, is, 'how is someone my age..heck.how is someone ANY age, supposed to be able to deal with this murder.there's no other word to call it. it's murder.it's out and out slaughter,and it's murder in cold blood. How can ANYONE go through this, and not be emotionally and psychologically scarred to some degree?!Because I know I am, and more than I ever let on to anyone. The nightmares. Crying into my prayers. The constant sense of impending doom. It's become so deeply ingrained in who I am now. I scarcely remember what it was like to be carefree; those days seem like a lifetime away. Someone else's lifetime.
I try not to think about it and just move along with life. Love and life may have been lost, but the world keeps on turning. So I smile my way through the pain. I go to school.Or university,i guess.I may be eighteen and in college,but I still feel the same as I did when I was thirteen or fourteen. It'll always be school to me. So. I go to school. I deal with a further sense of chaos when I look into all those made up faces and beaming smiles and know I'll never be one of them. Not them, with their perfectly made up faces and their constant swearing because it's 'oh so cool' and their obsession with boys. I know I'll never be one of them because I know what I want in my life. What's left of it anyway. And I want substance. Meaning. Something they can't give me. Though how I'm supposed to find substance amidst all this death and destruction is beyond me. I'm not even sure if my world will still be the same as it was when I wake up. What if there's a sudden burst of white light and next thing I know, I'm floating over my own lifeless body? Or worse, much worse. What if I wake up and I'm staring down into someone else's lifeless body? Someone I care about? How do I live through that? Because we're all under threat. Some of us more than others. And since my dad's a miliary man, he among many other senior official are threatened personally. So yeah. Big ball of laughs there huh.
What scares the heebie jeebies out of me most is giving into this fear. Though a part of me think's I've already resigned myself to it. I'm pretty scared to death that Allah will find that I'm lacking. That my faith's incomplete. That I should give in to His Will, whatever it may be, and place my Trust in Him. And I DO trust Him. I do. But maybe it's not enough. Maybe I need to give more. I am seriously afraid that He's going to think I'm a weak person for not staying calm and saying to myself 'Trust in God, it's going to be okay.Just TRUST.'
Which is not to say I don't. Because I do. But somedays it's easier to calm down yourself with that thought than others.
It can't be religious fanatics that are doing this. I know this because when you see a war like this firsthand, you know that there's more to it. No MUSLIM, good or bad, is capable of this kind of genocide. No MUSLIM, would file into a mosque for Friday Prayers with a lot of other civilans and military personell in what is a military based Mosque, and then, midway during prayers, start firing blindly into the crowd. No MUSLIM, would listen to a father beg to let his five year old son go, his son that he's brought to a mosque to pray for the first time, and then answer that appeal by shooting the little boy first point blank in front of his father, and then the man.No MUSLIM, would ask all the children present in the mosque to lie on their stomachs on the floor, and then shoot them all in the back to death.No MUSLIM, would storm through the curtains seperating the men and women praying quarters, and kill all the praying women too. No Muslim would do that. Not for all the money, not for all the motivation in the world. Not even a religious fanatic can carry out such a specifically targeted killing. This wasn't just a bombing carried out by a madman. This was cold blooded murder, and hundreds of us, including myself, lost people we knew and cared about that day.
I don't think I can write about this anymore. Thinking about this only makes it all the more worse and I can't afford to be distracted right now. I have three assignments and a presentation to work on for univeristy tomorrow. Normal kids have studies to worry about. Pakistani kids get to have schoolwork as the least of their worries. Lucky us. We're too busy worrying about whether we'll be around to submit the darned stuff at school or work or college the next day.
Remember to pray everyone. We are all people, no matter where we live, or what we believe in, and we're entitled to live our lives in relative peace and security. Pray that my people earn that right someday. Pray that I do. Because nobody has the right to take that from us. Nobody.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Aftermath..
And the next thing I know, it's eight forty five in the morning, and my mom is yelling me to get off my lazy butt and out of bed.
I went online that day after I got back from school, same as I do every other day. There on top of my facebook news feed, was a link for a youtube video that a distant cousin of mine had posted. I clicked open the link, and began viewing it from my Facebook page. The video was about Blackwater. What it's supposed to be. What conspiracy theorists say it really is. How there are Blackwater agents right here in Pakistan. Apparently, there've been quite a few sightings of them in Peshawar and areas in the Frontier. They've been spotted driving in sleek, expensive jeeps, dressed all in black..
I couldn't sleep that night. I was scared I'd have another nightmare. And i was so freaked by my dream and what the video seemed to confirm.
I didn't have a nightmare the night after that. But then the night after that I did have one. In that dream, I was passing by one of the neighborhoods, just driving through, minding my own business, when I hear this collosal noise, and when I lift my head up, there's a big mushroom cloud in the sky beneath which the sky's growing a hazy brown and grey with the growing smoke and dust rising in the air. In my dream, this entire apartment complex, incidentally, the ones right next door to the ones that collapsed during the 7.6 magnitude earthquake that killed over 80 000 people on october 8th 2005. It's a bomb. But not a suicide attack, like most are here. It's an intentionally dropped bomb. It sounds crazy, i know. For one, you don't exactly get a mushroom shaped cloud when a small territory is targeted. But that's what i saw.
When I told my best friend Mer, she said all the violence and bombings in the country, everything tht we're going through, with people dying everyday and bodies littering the streets after attacks, it's no wonder this is beginning to have a psychological impact on us. I guess she's right. No, scratch that. I KNOW she's right.
It's just scary, that's all I know.
I went online that day after I got back from school, same as I do every other day. There on top of my facebook news feed, was a link for a youtube video that a distant cousin of mine had posted. I clicked open the link, and began viewing it from my Facebook page. The video was about Blackwater. What it's supposed to be. What conspiracy theorists say it really is. How there are Blackwater agents right here in Pakistan. Apparently, there've been quite a few sightings of them in Peshawar and areas in the Frontier. They've been spotted driving in sleek, expensive jeeps, dressed all in black..
I couldn't sleep that night. I was scared I'd have another nightmare. And i was so freaked by my dream and what the video seemed to confirm.
I didn't have a nightmare the night after that. But then the night after that I did have one. In that dream, I was passing by one of the neighborhoods, just driving through, minding my own business, when I hear this collosal noise, and when I lift my head up, there's a big mushroom cloud in the sky beneath which the sky's growing a hazy brown and grey with the growing smoke and dust rising in the air. In my dream, this entire apartment complex, incidentally, the ones right next door to the ones that collapsed during the 7.6 magnitude earthquake that killed over 80 000 people on october 8th 2005. It's a bomb. But not a suicide attack, like most are here. It's an intentionally dropped bomb. It sounds crazy, i know. For one, you don't exactly get a mushroom shaped cloud when a small territory is targeted. But that's what i saw.
When I told my best friend Mer, she said all the violence and bombings in the country, everything tht we're going through, with people dying everyday and bodies littering the streets after attacks, it's no wonder this is beginning to have a psychological impact on us. I guess she's right. No, scratch that. I KNOW she's right.
It's just scary, that's all I know.
Nightmare
In my first dream, I'm sitting on this park bench with this man. Somewhere, the corner of my brain concerned with reality tells me he's not real but I don't listen. All i know is, that this man right here, is where the waiting paid off. This is where all that hard learned patience stopped at. Dream me knows that I love this man sitting beside me more than anybody else in the whole world, and that he's the one I've dedicated to spending the rest of my existance with. He's telling me about some things. He's worried. He tells me of his hopes, his fears. He's scared that his father will refuse to acknowledge him if he chooses to forge his own path the way he wants to, instead of following in his fathers footsteps and taking a position in the family business. With him, I feel secure and confident. I have never felt so sure of myself in my whole life. With this guy, I know, there's no need to play pretend. There's no games involved. I can be exactly the person I am and he'll love me all the more for it...
As we're talking,minutes pass by and we're unaware of the the time passing, until right then, there's a loud noise. A noise I can't remember the details of, except that it was loud and ominous sounding.
And then,as we turn in shock,we see people turning the corner, running. Running as if their lives depended on it.
And then, as I whirl my head, I spy four men clad in black.wearing these wierd clothes that look more like something a CIA assasin would wear, and my heart sinks. My subconscious can't put a finger on it, but dream me knows this is bad. Very bad.
Beads of sweat start to form on my forehead as recognition hits me hard, like a ton of bricks wallopped right in my stomach. I know who these people are. I know what they want. I know exactly what they want.
And that's us. Dead.
I tug at his hand, that of the one dream-me loves, and pull him to his feet. He whirls his head in confusion and sees what made me react the way I did. His eyes open wide, and he says just one little word:
Run.
We both break into a sprint, a mad dash with our hands still clasped tightly. No matter what happens, there's no way we're letting go. Not of each other. So we run, and we run. We dash across the pavement and into the woods within the parkland. We run across the overgrown path, moving in zig zags, trying to dodge the bullets that are fired our way every time we come into their line of vision. We run as fast as we can, the fear pumping adrenaline into our veins, and as another bullet is fired not too far from us, I think to myself, mad with fright,in a single selfish thought : 'Please. If it's going to be somebody, let it be me. Don't let him get hurt. If You're going to take one of us here, save HIM. Do not let him be taken away from me right before my eyes'.
We reach the end of the woods and we're back onto the main path. The gate is less than a mad dash away so we head insitinctively towards it. They're still behind us, too far to fire, but close enough to watch us. In a crazy move, we join a throng of people screaming and running into an empty storage building with lots of floors. For the rest of the duration of my dream, we and many others run like crazy up and down stairwells and empty corridors, and after we eventually get chased down the basement by the gunmen, we're trapped. There's one vent through which many others are escaping before the gunmen run down the many flights of stairs and corner us, and I'm willing him to go up and hurry, there's no time, the men are almost at the door. I can hear their voices through the thin walls of the basement, they'll be banging down the door any minute. But he won't. He just bloody well won't. There's too many scrambling for the safety of the vent and there's no time for both of us to claw our way through and make our way up the duct. And he says he won't leave me. He's not going anywhere. Oh God, he won't leave. My heart starts to bang against the walls of my chest as panic and fear begin to cave in. He looks just as scared as I am. He does the only thing that makes sense to him at that moment. He brings me close to him and holds me tight. Holds me close and burries his face in my hair and I can feel his heart pounding just as hard as mine as. He lifts his head and looks into my eyes, peers deep as if somehow my face showed a window to my soul. But something tells me he doesn't need a window. He sees my soul just fine without it. And then, he says just three little words before he hugs me tight again, his face burried in my hair and mine against his chest, breathing in his scent as the doors fling open and are beaten down. Says them in a faint whisper, so low only I can hear. And I can hear them loud and clear.
'I love you'...
As we're talking,minutes pass by and we're unaware of the the time passing, until right then, there's a loud noise. A noise I can't remember the details of, except that it was loud and ominous sounding.
And then,as we turn in shock,we see people turning the corner, running. Running as if their lives depended on it.
And then, as I whirl my head, I spy four men clad in black.wearing these wierd clothes that look more like something a CIA assasin would wear, and my heart sinks. My subconscious can't put a finger on it, but dream me knows this is bad. Very bad.
Beads of sweat start to form on my forehead as recognition hits me hard, like a ton of bricks wallopped right in my stomach. I know who these people are. I know what they want. I know exactly what they want.
And that's us. Dead.
I tug at his hand, that of the one dream-me loves, and pull him to his feet. He whirls his head in confusion and sees what made me react the way I did. His eyes open wide, and he says just one little word:
Run.
We both break into a sprint, a mad dash with our hands still clasped tightly. No matter what happens, there's no way we're letting go. Not of each other. So we run, and we run. We dash across the pavement and into the woods within the parkland. We run across the overgrown path, moving in zig zags, trying to dodge the bullets that are fired our way every time we come into their line of vision. We run as fast as we can, the fear pumping adrenaline into our veins, and as another bullet is fired not too far from us, I think to myself, mad with fright,in a single selfish thought : 'Please. If it's going to be somebody, let it be me. Don't let him get hurt. If You're going to take one of us here, save HIM. Do not let him be taken away from me right before my eyes'.
We reach the end of the woods and we're back onto the main path. The gate is less than a mad dash away so we head insitinctively towards it. They're still behind us, too far to fire, but close enough to watch us. In a crazy move, we join a throng of people screaming and running into an empty storage building with lots of floors. For the rest of the duration of my dream, we and many others run like crazy up and down stairwells and empty corridors, and after we eventually get chased down the basement by the gunmen, we're trapped. There's one vent through which many others are escaping before the gunmen run down the many flights of stairs and corner us, and I'm willing him to go up and hurry, there's no time, the men are almost at the door. I can hear their voices through the thin walls of the basement, they'll be banging down the door any minute. But he won't. He just bloody well won't. There's too many scrambling for the safety of the vent and there's no time for both of us to claw our way through and make our way up the duct. And he says he won't leave me. He's not going anywhere. Oh God, he won't leave. My heart starts to bang against the walls of my chest as panic and fear begin to cave in. He looks just as scared as I am. He does the only thing that makes sense to him at that moment. He brings me close to him and holds me tight. Holds me close and burries his face in my hair and I can feel his heart pounding just as hard as mine as. He lifts his head and looks into my eyes, peers deep as if somehow my face showed a window to my soul. But something tells me he doesn't need a window. He sees my soul just fine without it. And then, he says just three little words before he hugs me tight again, his face burried in my hair and mine against his chest, breathing in his scent as the doors fling open and are beaten down. Says them in a faint whisper, so low only I can hear. And I can hear them loud and clear.
'I love you'...
Hiatus
I don't find myself writing much these days. I don't know why. Writing was something i did everyday. It came naturally to me, as breathing and eating and drinking do to a person. It's not that I don't have anything to say. Far from it..
But I've seemed to lose track of the words to say them in. I muse over the things going through my head, churning over and over in my brain and trying to make sense of the thoughts going through my head and the feelings I'm feeling. It's not easy anymore. There's so many thoughts going through my mind all at once. I worry about school, about my grades, about the fact that I'm still struggling with the people I'm hanging out with. They're not my friends, they're more my friends' friends. I actually kind of hate them. But I'm finally taking a stand and deciding who I want to be happy hanging out with. I've seperated,so to speak,from them now. So clearly,there's a lot I have to deal with and do. But most of all...I pray.
Even as I write this, I'm struggling. I can't seem to figure out how to best phrase this massive web of confusion that's wrapped itself well around my head. I've lost what little grip I had over the words I chose to describe what I was going through. I guess I'll just come right out and say it. All of it.
More than anything, I find that there's fear in my heart. Fear of what's happening. Fear of what I don't know.Fear of what's to come..
Everyday seems to be a struggle. And deep down, in the pit of my stomach, there's dread. Quite a bit of it. I dread what I fear is inevitable. I'm scared that there's a clock ticking by somewhere, counting down the seconds till everything that's been happening in my country blows up in our faces and somebody else decides to take control.
It's consumed every bit of me. It's taken over my consciousness, and my subconsciousness, seeping into my dreams and turning them into my worst nightmares...
But I've seemed to lose track of the words to say them in. I muse over the things going through my head, churning over and over in my brain and trying to make sense of the thoughts going through my head and the feelings I'm feeling. It's not easy anymore. There's so many thoughts going through my mind all at once. I worry about school, about my grades, about the fact that I'm still struggling with the people I'm hanging out with. They're not my friends, they're more my friends' friends. I actually kind of hate them. But I'm finally taking a stand and deciding who I want to be happy hanging out with. I've seperated,so to speak,from them now. So clearly,there's a lot I have to deal with and do. But most of all...I pray.
Even as I write this, I'm struggling. I can't seem to figure out how to best phrase this massive web of confusion that's wrapped itself well around my head. I've lost what little grip I had over the words I chose to describe what I was going through. I guess I'll just come right out and say it. All of it.
More than anything, I find that there's fear in my heart. Fear of what's happening. Fear of what I don't know.Fear of what's to come..
Everyday seems to be a struggle. And deep down, in the pit of my stomach, there's dread. Quite a bit of it. I dread what I fear is inevitable. I'm scared that there's a clock ticking by somewhere, counting down the seconds till everything that's been happening in my country blows up in our faces and somebody else decides to take control.
It's consumed every bit of me. It's taken over my consciousness, and my subconsciousness, seeping into my dreams and turning them into my worst nightmares...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Catch Me, I'm Falling
what do you do, when you feel like the misfit? what do you do, when you just don't seem to belong, no matter how much you want or how hard you try?
because i want to.belong, i mean.more than anything in the world, lately, all i want is acceptance for who i am, and people to like me for me, without judging me. but it just isn't happening.
i'm different from them all. some are nice, but they just don't care about the same stuff that i do. they're not good Muslims, most of them smoke and have boyfriends and another just plain hates my guts for a reason i don't know. my particular friend has a pretty big social circle so she pretty much hits it off with everyone. she's charming and funny and a witty sense of humor and a fast tongue that comes up with quirky retorts to anything anybody has to say. i've never heard her use "umm.." in my life.
they all seem to be fine with where they are and what crowds they're hanging out with, but despite them all (well..almost all anyway) being perfectly sweet to me and great fun, there's just this feeling of...disconnectedness that i have for some whacko reason. it's like a thorn in my side that i just can't remove. my friend that i wrote about is amazing, and she's the one i lean on most, but she's got a huge social circle and many many friends and she gets along with everybody.so even though she looks out for me sometimes..i still feel like i'm different from teh rest. my ideals, my moral values, the things important to me in life..they're not all the same as these guys.i'm not a prude, and though i think it's perfectly vulgar for girls in particular, to smoke, i don't mind much when strangers or distant friends are doing it because in all honesty, why would i care much when somebody not close to me does something? i believe in waiting for the one guy i'm going to be spending my life with and they're perfectly fine with having boyfriends. being a good Muslim and trying to live my life by Islamic ideals is the highlight of my life and most of these kids don't care much about it. so even though i usually enjoy their company and all, i get the feeling that in four years of college, i'd never be able to share anything meaningful with these girls,never be able to open up to them as close friends do.because to be great friends, you need to believe in some of the same things.at the very least, your core values should be the same.and they aren't.so when they talk about smoking and boyfriends and parties and stuff, how can i not feel uncomfortable, knowing i can never be a part of what they share?
among this crowd,the girls i hang out with the most is my friend, the one i wrote about in my previous posts,and astonishingly, the girl who hates me.i don't hang out with her out of choice. i feel very awkward with her most of the time because i can't understand what i could have done to make her hate me so,i don't even KNOW her.but because she and my friend get along really well together and hang out,i have to deal with it.anyway, with those two together and one of them glaring at me half the time, it makes me feel uneasy all the time.and my other friend hasn't really said anything about it, i think she tries not to mention it all,which isn't really helping, but i think maybe she feels like 'what can i do anyway'.
so bottom line, university and i, are not gelling together. there are good days, and then there are outright trollish days.it's very inconsistent.but all in all,it's not a place i feel people like me for who i am. i think it's more like they carry an idea of who i am, because in all honesty, it's only been a month, and with teh kind of crowd around ehr, i don't think i could ever open up enough to them to give them a glimpse of who the real me even is.
it's downright depressing.any suggestions for how i might avoid any future awkwardness? my strategy is ignore it, and maybe things will work out for themselves.but its not helping contain my frustration with the way things are going.. :(
because i want to.belong, i mean.more than anything in the world, lately, all i want is acceptance for who i am, and people to like me for me, without judging me. but it just isn't happening.
i'm different from them all. some are nice, but they just don't care about the same stuff that i do. they're not good Muslims, most of them smoke and have boyfriends and another just plain hates my guts for a reason i don't know. my particular friend has a pretty big social circle so she pretty much hits it off with everyone. she's charming and funny and a witty sense of humor and a fast tongue that comes up with quirky retorts to anything anybody has to say. i've never heard her use "umm.." in my life.
they all seem to be fine with where they are and what crowds they're hanging out with, but despite them all (well..almost all anyway) being perfectly sweet to me and great fun, there's just this feeling of...disconnectedness that i have for some whacko reason. it's like a thorn in my side that i just can't remove. my friend that i wrote about is amazing, and she's the one i lean on most, but she's got a huge social circle and many many friends and she gets along with everybody.so even though she looks out for me sometimes..i still feel like i'm different from teh rest. my ideals, my moral values, the things important to me in life..they're not all the same as these guys.i'm not a prude, and though i think it's perfectly vulgar for girls in particular, to smoke, i don't mind much when strangers or distant friends are doing it because in all honesty, why would i care much when somebody not close to me does something? i believe in waiting for the one guy i'm going to be spending my life with and they're perfectly fine with having boyfriends. being a good Muslim and trying to live my life by Islamic ideals is the highlight of my life and most of these kids don't care much about it. so even though i usually enjoy their company and all, i get the feeling that in four years of college, i'd never be able to share anything meaningful with these girls,never be able to open up to them as close friends do.because to be great friends, you need to believe in some of the same things.at the very least, your core values should be the same.and they aren't.so when they talk about smoking and boyfriends and parties and stuff, how can i not feel uncomfortable, knowing i can never be a part of what they share?
among this crowd,the girls i hang out with the most is my friend, the one i wrote about in my previous posts,and astonishingly, the girl who hates me.i don't hang out with her out of choice. i feel very awkward with her most of the time because i can't understand what i could have done to make her hate me so,i don't even KNOW her.but because she and my friend get along really well together and hang out,i have to deal with it.anyway, with those two together and one of them glaring at me half the time, it makes me feel uneasy all the time.and my other friend hasn't really said anything about it, i think she tries not to mention it all,which isn't really helping, but i think maybe she feels like 'what can i do anyway'.
so bottom line, university and i, are not gelling together. there are good days, and then there are outright trollish days.it's very inconsistent.but all in all,it's not a place i feel people like me for who i am. i think it's more like they carry an idea of who i am, because in all honesty, it's only been a month, and with teh kind of crowd around ehr, i don't think i could ever open up enough to them to give them a glimpse of who the real me even is.
it's downright depressing.any suggestions for how i might avoid any future awkwardness? my strategy is ignore it, and maybe things will work out for themselves.but its not helping contain my frustration with the way things are going.. :(
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
okay,i THINK i'm.. (dare i say it?) forgiven. yeah, you got it.i'm referring to what i wrote and the drama that ensued after it..
she may be completely psychotic at times. but she has the biggest heart and the biggest capacity for forgiveness of anyone i know.except maybe my mom. but then i suspect my mom probably has an inivisible halo over her head, she's just that unbelievable a person.
and after i got a magnified view of her capacity for untainted awesomeness in general, i know that this friend is too.for sure. she took all of two days man.TWO DAYS.
i'd have taken a week, at the least.
even my best friend went, 'she must really like you, because you were totally awful to her'
if it counts for anything, i never MEANT to be awful!! i just have this inate tendency to screw up majorly sometimes, and this was one time, that i screwed up by hurting somebody. i've never been stupid enough to do that one before.but then, as my gran tells me 'there's a first time for everything'. for things like these, i'd rather there really wasn't. but as unpleasent as it may be, i guess you have to make mistakes sometimes to learn what not to do. no better teacher than personal experience..! even the bitter kind.especially the bitter kind.
this is one mistake anyway, that's taught me quite a bit about where i need to go as a person. and that i have awesome friends! two days man.i'm still baffled as to how somebody could let their pride go,forgive and forget, and let it slide so quickly.!.. that's one thing i wish i possessed.
till later,
over and out
she may be completely psychotic at times. but she has the biggest heart and the biggest capacity for forgiveness of anyone i know.except maybe my mom. but then i suspect my mom probably has an inivisible halo over her head, she's just that unbelievable a person.
and after i got a magnified view of her capacity for untainted awesomeness in general, i know that this friend is too.for sure. she took all of two days man.TWO DAYS.
i'd have taken a week, at the least.
even my best friend went, 'she must really like you, because you were totally awful to her'
if it counts for anything, i never MEANT to be awful!! i just have this inate tendency to screw up majorly sometimes, and this was one time, that i screwed up by hurting somebody. i've never been stupid enough to do that one before.but then, as my gran tells me 'there's a first time for everything'. for things like these, i'd rather there really wasn't. but as unpleasent as it may be, i guess you have to make mistakes sometimes to learn what not to do. no better teacher than personal experience..! even the bitter kind.especially the bitter kind.
this is one mistake anyway, that's taught me quite a bit about where i need to go as a person. and that i have awesome friends! two days man.i'm still baffled as to how somebody could let their pride go,forgive and forget, and let it slide so quickly.!.. that's one thing i wish i possessed.
till later,
over and out
Monday, September 28, 2009
MY blog. MY safehouse
I'm going to change my URL in a weeks time. telling everybody beforehand so that if i disappear off the face of the earth, you don't assume i died a virtual death or anything! i had to change it because a friend of mine...THE friend,as a matter of fact,who i mentioned in my last blog, may or may not have read this blog and gotten upset. Odds are,she has, and she is, because in her facebook status, she's ranting about a bitchy two faced friend who she can't believe she trusted. i think it's safe to assume, she meant me.
here's the thing,
i love her to death.she's an amazing friend of mine,and i would cross mountains for her.
and she kind of KNOWS all that stuff i said.i've said it to her, 'you need therapy, guy therapy' about a thousand times a day. she knows it
But that's who she is. And I love her despite that. But sometime she gets up my skin because the one thing i hate more than anything else in the world, is a person who uses other people.
And she does do that. Probably unintentionally, but she does!! and I admit, I get pissed off !
And she knows it. But I know now you don't write about friends. Even if it's on an anonymous blog where the biggest lead people have about you is your nationality. I wanted to start a blog so that people wouldn't judge me because of who I've been,or what I may have done in the past. I want people to be objective.
That will never happen if people find out about this blog and hold my honest opinions against me. I think I should just stop writing altogether. I hurt a friend accidentally, never dreaming she would a) read this, or b) get mad because i wrote it. I was stupid. i AM stupid.
I have nowhere to speak my mind. Not a blog, that i wanted to be private or personal, not a journal...nothing. Where do i turn to when i feel so consumed with my own problems, i feel like i'll explode if i don't wash out the hurt somehow. for me, that somehow is writing about it.
and oddly enough, i feel like its being taken away from me.
here's the thing,
i love her to death.she's an amazing friend of mine,and i would cross mountains for her.
and she kind of KNOWS all that stuff i said.i've said it to her, 'you need therapy, guy therapy' about a thousand times a day. she knows it
But that's who she is. And I love her despite that. But sometime she gets up my skin because the one thing i hate more than anything else in the world, is a person who uses other people.
And she does do that. Probably unintentionally, but she does!! and I admit, I get pissed off !
And she knows it. But I know now you don't write about friends. Even if it's on an anonymous blog where the biggest lead people have about you is your nationality. I wanted to start a blog so that people wouldn't judge me because of who I've been,or what I may have done in the past. I want people to be objective.
That will never happen if people find out about this blog and hold my honest opinions against me. I think I should just stop writing altogether. I hurt a friend accidentally, never dreaming she would a) read this, or b) get mad because i wrote it. I was stupid. i AM stupid.
I have nowhere to speak my mind. Not a blog, that i wanted to be private or personal, not a journal...nothing. Where do i turn to when i feel so consumed with my own problems, i feel like i'll explode if i don't wash out the hurt somehow. for me, that somehow is writing about it.
and oddly enough, i feel like its being taken away from me.
Friday, September 18, 2009
College
So it's been two weeks since i started college. and let me just say,to all those that claim uni days are going to be the best of my life...if THESE are supposed to be the best days of my life, hell, i'm in for a very miserable lifetime..!..
It's not that it's a bad university. Hell, my university is considered to be a very good college,and it has a really good crowd, no issues with cheapsters or fraaanshippers thus far. My issue is me. I've always been sort of low profiled, but people always knew me name. they knew who i was, where i came from, what sort of person i was..
But here for some reason i'm just kind of blending into the background. i guess it doesn't help when the one friend you have to hang out with is a complete social butterfly and people,particularly guys are falling over themselves right left and center to get a chance to get close to her.
Let me clear your misconceptions straight off. She is not sweet. She's not even honest. With herself anyway. she's fun to be with, she has a great sense of humor...and she's also completely and uncontrollably vicious when it comes to boys. She lures them in, gives them a false sense of comfort..makes them think they're the most interesting things in the world...all to get their attention...
But the minute she DOES have their attention...kersplat! she drops them like a hot potato. And the poor boy is left pining for more while she whines about how he's getting too needy and that she needs someone aloof..
She never even dates any of the guys...she just manages to make them think they have an inkling of a chance with her and then cooly tells them that no,they don't. It's all very cruel and very twisted, and she's pretty, but come on, you've got to be friggin meggan fox to attract that kind attention!
Basically..she's in it for the chase. Like just yesterday,i got this text from her saying she was obsessed with a new guy. She pointed him out to me in bahria between classes. He was cute,with brown messed up hair and a clean cut look to him. He also, did not look at her once, let alone give her the time of day. That was the whole point of the fascination.
So that's her new boy toy for the month. She said,and i quote "ughhhh,i have to get him!!!he didn't even look at me once.not once! shoot,he's like a shiny new toy i can't have :( " Is it really bad that I felt annoyed when she said that? I've made no secret of the fact that her boy addiction irritates me and makes me want to shake her sometimes?
With a friend like that by your side, it's no wonder nobody pays you any attention. Not when though you're friendly and open, you're not bold and vivacious, and you're relatively shy when you meet new people. And since I have absolutely no experience with guys, having studied in a government school where I preferred not to socialize with the cheapsters there, i have to wrack my brains to think of things to say when a guy comes up and says hello. See, I'm an excellent judge of character. No,seriously. I'm not trying to be a complete snob here,but i AM. Especially when it comes to guys. A guy need only walk up and say hello to me and I can tell you in two seconds flat whether he's a loser trying to grab your attention, or a guy geniunely worth getting to know. My friend, obviously, does not. I tell her so on a daily basis!
Anyway, the point is, with my friend grabbing everybody's attention, guys and girls alike, and me blending into the background with her at my side..i've been feeling very small lately. She has all these guys, some wanting to be with her, and a lot just okay with being friends. But nobody really pays me any attention, singles me out to talk to...nobody has since I got here anyway. other than the stupid "will you fraaanship with us" which doesn't do wonders for my confidence anyway. What is wrong with me? Why is it that people, guys and girls alike, don't see in me what they do in her. and by her, i mean this friend of mine. am i a people repeller? i don't think so. I'm fairly pretty. I'm not as tall, and I'm smaller than she is in general, I'm moderately thin and only a 5'4. I have brown hair that grew out of all the frizz and bad proportions almost a year ago. It looks pretty good now, if i do say so myself. I have a pretty good face shape and almost everybody I first meet,comments along the lines of 'how on earth are you so fair, it almost hurts to look at you'. I guess my British lineage from my mom's side (my gran was a Britisher, she came from Yorkshire) and Pathan lineage on my dad's side has something to do with it. And I don't play mind games with anybody. What you see is what you get. Then why am I not good enough for everybody else?
It's not that it's a bad university. Hell, my university is considered to be a very good college,and it has a really good crowd, no issues with cheapsters or fraaanshippers thus far. My issue is me. I've always been sort of low profiled, but people always knew me name. they knew who i was, where i came from, what sort of person i was..
But here for some reason i'm just kind of blending into the background. i guess it doesn't help when the one friend you have to hang out with is a complete social butterfly and people,particularly guys are falling over themselves right left and center to get a chance to get close to her.
Let me clear your misconceptions straight off. She is not sweet. She's not even honest. With herself anyway. she's fun to be with, she has a great sense of humor...and she's also completely and uncontrollably vicious when it comes to boys. She lures them in, gives them a false sense of comfort..makes them think they're the most interesting things in the world...all to get their attention...
But the minute she DOES have their attention...kersplat! she drops them like a hot potato. And the poor boy is left pining for more while she whines about how he's getting too needy and that she needs someone aloof..
She never even dates any of the guys...she just manages to make them think they have an inkling of a chance with her and then cooly tells them that no,they don't. It's all very cruel and very twisted, and she's pretty, but come on, you've got to be friggin meggan fox to attract that kind attention!
Basically..she's in it for the chase. Like just yesterday,i got this text from her saying she was obsessed with a new guy. She pointed him out to me in bahria between classes. He was cute,with brown messed up hair and a clean cut look to him. He also, did not look at her once, let alone give her the time of day. That was the whole point of the fascination.
So that's her new boy toy for the month. She said,and i quote "ughhhh,i have to get him!!!he didn't even look at me once.not once! shoot,he's like a shiny new toy i can't have :( " Is it really bad that I felt annoyed when she said that? I've made no secret of the fact that her boy addiction irritates me and makes me want to shake her sometimes?
With a friend like that by your side, it's no wonder nobody pays you any attention. Not when though you're friendly and open, you're not bold and vivacious, and you're relatively shy when you meet new people. And since I have absolutely no experience with guys, having studied in a government school where I preferred not to socialize with the cheapsters there, i have to wrack my brains to think of things to say when a guy comes up and says hello. See, I'm an excellent judge of character. No,seriously. I'm not trying to be a complete snob here,but i AM. Especially when it comes to guys. A guy need only walk up and say hello to me and I can tell you in two seconds flat whether he's a loser trying to grab your attention, or a guy geniunely worth getting to know. My friend, obviously, does not. I tell her so on a daily basis!
Anyway, the point is, with my friend grabbing everybody's attention, guys and girls alike, and me blending into the background with her at my side..i've been feeling very small lately. She has all these guys, some wanting to be with her, and a lot just okay with being friends. But nobody really pays me any attention, singles me out to talk to...nobody has since I got here anyway. other than the stupid "will you fraaanship with us" which doesn't do wonders for my confidence anyway. What is wrong with me? Why is it that people, guys and girls alike, don't see in me what they do in her. and by her, i mean this friend of mine. am i a people repeller? i don't think so. I'm fairly pretty. I'm not as tall, and I'm smaller than she is in general, I'm moderately thin and only a 5'4. I have brown hair that grew out of all the frizz and bad proportions almost a year ago. It looks pretty good now, if i do say so myself. I have a pretty good face shape and almost everybody I first meet,comments along the lines of 'how on earth are you so fair, it almost hurts to look at you'. I guess my British lineage from my mom's side (my gran was a Britisher, she came from Yorkshire) and Pathan lineage on my dad's side has something to do with it. And I don't play mind games with anybody. What you see is what you get. Then why am I not good enough for everybody else?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
09/09/09 Part One
So...today's my birthday.happy birthday me.i've officially turned eighteen.finally legit and all that jazz.but you know what.i've never been more bummed out on a birthday.except maybe my fifteenth.but that was a complete nightmare,i was the only one in the house all day because my parents were out on business,my brother in isl and my gran kind of not there.i sat around staring at the walls and doing my homework all day.and since it was kamra in those days, there weren't exactly friends dropping by to wish me a happy birthday.
but this one still comes pretty close on the list.
so ever since i started college,i've been going kind of out of my mind.i've always been kind of confident and collected on the outer edge but i've never been more insecure about myself.me, myself and i just don't seem good enough these days.today was day 3 of my first week as a freshman and it's still been just me and an old friend from school, and she's lovely,mind you,but i just want to meet some new people and kind of gel in as a group somewhere.my freshman batch is clique ish like you wouldn't believe and unless you're in one, you kind of don't belong anywhere.which sucks for me,because apart from this friend, i've been flying kind of solo.i've made a huge effort to meet new people, but they just kind of smile at you for two seconds,introduce themselves, say hello and then turn their backs on you to return to their respective cliques. it's pretty hellish annoying. i've never been one for cliques and when i'm with friends at school or whatever, we usually kind of party as one big unit instead of being in small groups of three and four.
okay, so not trying to be a snob here, but none of my classmates seem as...animated,as i am.i'm kind of a free,positive, carefree soul. i'm not the girl huddled in a gaggle of other girls and giggling amongst ourselves.i'm the girl that's in the big circle of friends laughing out loud and open with having new friends at all times.and these people just...aren't.what does a girl have to do to find some friends she can talk to to spend some time with anyway?
but this one still comes pretty close on the list.
so ever since i started college,i've been going kind of out of my mind.i've always been kind of confident and collected on the outer edge but i've never been more insecure about myself.me, myself and i just don't seem good enough these days.today was day 3 of my first week as a freshman and it's still been just me and an old friend from school, and she's lovely,mind you,but i just want to meet some new people and kind of gel in as a group somewhere.my freshman batch is clique ish like you wouldn't believe and unless you're in one, you kind of don't belong anywhere.which sucks for me,because apart from this friend, i've been flying kind of solo.i've made a huge effort to meet new people, but they just kind of smile at you for two seconds,introduce themselves, say hello and then turn their backs on you to return to their respective cliques. it's pretty hellish annoying. i've never been one for cliques and when i'm with friends at school or whatever, we usually kind of party as one big unit instead of being in small groups of three and four.
okay, so not trying to be a snob here, but none of my classmates seem as...animated,as i am.i'm kind of a free,positive, carefree soul. i'm not the girl huddled in a gaggle of other girls and giggling amongst ourselves.i'm the girl that's in the big circle of friends laughing out loud and open with having new friends at all times.and these people just...aren't.what does a girl have to do to find some friends she can talk to to spend some time with anyway?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Leaving My Mark..
Everybody wants to leave their mark...some kind of indication that they too, walked the very same surface your steps tread now..
But how do you get there? What does it take for your footsteps to distinguish themselves from others? Is being plain good simply enough? Not many are remembered for being merely good. They're known for being great. Mighty and terrible and wrathful,perhaps,but great all the same. They knew what they wanted : glory. And they got it. By whatever means possible.
But how does an ordinary person such as yourself, get recognition. How does your memory go on living, even when your body and mind have died? I'm not much. I'm compassionate, and I have a big heart, but that doesn't really account for much. You don't see many grave stones with epitaphs saying "Here lies ____, a good man"
You want to be remembered? You've got to be great. You've got to have something nobody has but you.
How? I have no idea. Comment if you have any clue
But how do you get there? What does it take for your footsteps to distinguish themselves from others? Is being plain good simply enough? Not many are remembered for being merely good. They're known for being great. Mighty and terrible and wrathful,perhaps,but great all the same. They knew what they wanted : glory. And they got it. By whatever means possible.
But how does an ordinary person such as yourself, get recognition. How does your memory go on living, even when your body and mind have died? I'm not much. I'm compassionate, and I have a big heart, but that doesn't really account for much. You don't see many grave stones with epitaphs saying "Here lies ____, a good man"
You want to be remembered? You've got to be great. You've got to have something nobody has but you.
How? I have no idea. Comment if you have any clue
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Mad, mad, mad!
Okay, no, I'm not really that mad. I'm just tired of being mad. Like this lame fight with my best friend over God knows what. At some point, you just don't care anymore, you know. You just want to get over the whole situation and get things back on track and back to normal because your whole reason for fighting just seems incredibly stupid now.
It's half me, of course. I'm not completely blinded by my indignant self righteousness. I know it's a two way street and I have some part of the blame to shoulder for all the untied knots in my relationships. I'm just long overdue for some changes. Like...I know that I can't expect to turn around after I've screwed up in some way and expect to find people waiting for me with their arms streched out to embrace me. It doesn't work that way. You've got to work to bring yourself to that place, to that point, like my mom did. Except she didn't screw up. Her step mom did and she had to shoulder the blame for seventeen long, drawn out years. But she came out stronger than she had ever imagined she was capable of being. And it's made her who she is today. And who she is, is somebody I want to be very much..
I want to be somebody strong. Strong and unafraid and resilient. Somebody who holds absolutely no expectations from anybody. Someone, who doesn't cave under pressure or despair when things get dark and finds hope and meaning somehow. If I can be that somebody, that somebody who's not vulnerable and isn't affected by what the world thinks of her, then I've won. If I can find it in me to love like nobody's loved before, and that too unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...then I'm stronger than anybody ever thought I could be. When I can learn to trust MYSELF and learn how to stand strong and not reveal weaknesses, then I'm halfway there. I must, more than anything, learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. It's what gets me in trouble more than anything else. I get flared up and then I lash out and then ten seconds later I'm wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. And I'm incapable of hiding emotion too. My face betrays me every single time, willing or not. That's another thing I need to work on..
It seems kind of a long list of things to work on right now, but God willing if I live long enough maybe I can cross off everything on it someday. You never know
P.S : Did I mention I'm a huge klutz? My family's declared my middle name should be clumsy, I'm that incapable of walking on my own two feet without finding something to trip over...I'll trip on my toes if I find nothing else, I'm that bad...
Also, I talk too fast. I don't know why. I never realize it, but everybody says I do. But that's one thing that I'm already working on crossing off the list!
It's half me, of course. I'm not completely blinded by my indignant self righteousness. I know it's a two way street and I have some part of the blame to shoulder for all the untied knots in my relationships. I'm just long overdue for some changes. Like...I know that I can't expect to turn around after I've screwed up in some way and expect to find people waiting for me with their arms streched out to embrace me. It doesn't work that way. You've got to work to bring yourself to that place, to that point, like my mom did. Except she didn't screw up. Her step mom did and she had to shoulder the blame for seventeen long, drawn out years. But she came out stronger than she had ever imagined she was capable of being. And it's made her who she is today. And who she is, is somebody I want to be very much..
I want to be somebody strong. Strong and unafraid and resilient. Somebody who holds absolutely no expectations from anybody. Someone, who doesn't cave under pressure or despair when things get dark and finds hope and meaning somehow. If I can be that somebody, that somebody who's not vulnerable and isn't affected by what the world thinks of her, then I've won. If I can find it in me to love like nobody's loved before, and that too unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...then I'm stronger than anybody ever thought I could be. When I can learn to trust MYSELF and learn how to stand strong and not reveal weaknesses, then I'm halfway there. I must, more than anything, learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. It's what gets me in trouble more than anything else. I get flared up and then I lash out and then ten seconds later I'm wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. And I'm incapable of hiding emotion too. My face betrays me every single time, willing or not. That's another thing I need to work on..
It seems kind of a long list of things to work on right now, but God willing if I live long enough maybe I can cross off everything on it someday. You never know
P.S : Did I mention I'm a huge klutz? My family's declared my middle name should be clumsy, I'm that incapable of walking on my own two feet without finding something to trip over...I'll trip on my toes if I find nothing else, I'm that bad...
Also, I talk too fast. I don't know why. I never realize it, but everybody says I do. But that's one thing that I'm already working on crossing off the list!
Lately...
I haven't spoken to my best friend in four days. We've kind of had a fight and I'm not even sure what it was all about. Rest assured, it was about something incredibly dumb and stupid..
Apart from that, my sister had her baby. I'm now an aunt. It's an incredible feeling, especially when you know you're going to be such a central figure in this child's life, that you're going to be around long enough to get close to him and know him and watch him grow up and take in everything there is to in life. I have an inkling into how much a mom really cares about her child after watching my sister...and if I,as an aunt, can feel so strongly protective about him and love him so..then she must want to jump into fire for him...I love this kid like I haven't loved anybody before. How much, how very deeply, I care about my sister, can only be eclipsed by the love I carry for her child, her beautiful baby boy. I hope he knows how much this aunt cares about him, and that I get to be there for him as he grows up...as I know I want to be...
I love my little nephew, and apart from that life is amazing in general, but...I don't know...for the past couple of days, I've just been high strung as anything. It's been one of those periods where everything just seems bleaker than it would on any other day. Everything and anything sets me off. Sad songs make my eyes fill up. Happy endings make me cry. A kiss between two people who love each other in a book or a movie makes me cry. Sentimental talk and looking at my little nephew makes me cry. I've just been really,absurdly high strung...!..
I'm such an idiot.
I guess it's just...I haven't talked to my best friend in so long and everybody else is busy with their own summer plans and I don't have anybody to talk to lately, except for when I talk to baby Z when I'm allowed to have him in my arms (only twice so far,and barely for ten seconds both times. He's in high demand right now, the grandparents won't let him go long enough for me to spend any time with him) and I'm just feeling pretty let down with all the silence and keeping my thoughts bottled up inside my head for so long and not being able to talk to anybody.
College orientation on the second of september...and classes start on the seventh..I'm praying everything goes okay...I just want to fit in, and gel with a crowd and be a part of something that'll bring me much happiness. It is one thousand, four hundred and sixty days of my life, after all. Out of a possible thirty to forty thousand..I want to make sure I spend the time well!
Apart from that, my sister had her baby. I'm now an aunt. It's an incredible feeling, especially when you know you're going to be such a central figure in this child's life, that you're going to be around long enough to get close to him and know him and watch him grow up and take in everything there is to in life. I have an inkling into how much a mom really cares about her child after watching my sister...and if I,as an aunt, can feel so strongly protective about him and love him so..then she must want to jump into fire for him...I love this kid like I haven't loved anybody before. How much, how very deeply, I care about my sister, can only be eclipsed by the love I carry for her child, her beautiful baby boy. I hope he knows how much this aunt cares about him, and that I get to be there for him as he grows up...as I know I want to be...
I love my little nephew, and apart from that life is amazing in general, but...I don't know...for the past couple of days, I've just been high strung as anything. It's been one of those periods where everything just seems bleaker than it would on any other day. Everything and anything sets me off. Sad songs make my eyes fill up. Happy endings make me cry. A kiss between two people who love each other in a book or a movie makes me cry. Sentimental talk and looking at my little nephew makes me cry. I've just been really,absurdly high strung...!..
I'm such an idiot.
I guess it's just...I haven't talked to my best friend in so long and everybody else is busy with their own summer plans and I don't have anybody to talk to lately, except for when I talk to baby Z when I'm allowed to have him in my arms (only twice so far,and barely for ten seconds both times. He's in high demand right now, the grandparents won't let him go long enough for me to spend any time with him) and I'm just feeling pretty let down with all the silence and keeping my thoughts bottled up inside my head for so long and not being able to talk to anybody.
College orientation on the second of september...and classes start on the seventh..I'm praying everything goes okay...I just want to fit in, and gel with a crowd and be a part of something that'll bring me much happiness. It is one thousand, four hundred and sixty days of my life, after all. Out of a possible thirty to forty thousand..I want to make sure I spend the time well!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Of New Beginnings...
It's true, i tell you! This summer,for me,has just entirely been about new beginnings...it's like..this chapter of my life....the one i've been living for the past five years...is now drawing to a close, and I'm entering this completely new phase in my life that's different from anything I've encountered before...
Summer sun and wedding bells, baby cradles and college apps...that's how i spent my summer this year...
Let's see...my brother got married, like I said. I got my results from finals and I have officially graduated with honors..I got into every university i applied to,none of them were ivy league material,trust me,so it's not that big of a deal...and...i'm also going to be an aunt soon...
In one day's time to be exact...the baby's going to be my cousin's...we're the only two girls in our entire extended family so we're more like sisters than cousins and have always been that way...so it's a pretty big deal...the baby's coming as if he were my own sister's,im that involved in everything, and i'm sure to be on nanny duty very often,that's certain!
Like i told you before, my brother got married. The girl he got married to is twenty three. You might think that's too young but where i come from, twenty two and twenty three are the ideal ages to get married and any girl who's still single when she's twenty eight is deemed unworthy. Anyway,the girl; Let's call her S. S is a chartered accountant, kind of heavy as far as her weight is concerened, and she has a brother and a sister. The brother i don't mind. The sister, is one different story completely...I really do not like her. She thinks she's so much better than the rest of us, she's pretty and thin, and she knows it. She's studied in a snob school half her life and that hasn't done much to build her far from pleasent personality. She's cordial, that's the most i can say about how she treats me...
And the girl....my brother likes her..but she's really not the sisterly type and she's very,very headstrong, so it's all just a little confusing at the moment...i guess we just have to wait it out and hope that my brother at least can point out that family is very important to him and that she better accord us the same amount of respect and love she gives to her own family...
And i finally turn eighteen next month! on the ninth of september,to be exact.and then i'm finally legit...i still don't know how to drive yet though..i mean,i WOULD,if only we had a car...
don't get me wrong, we're not bumpkins,we DID have a car,but then my dad sold it because it wasn't as fine tuned as it used to be,and besides, my dad has two company cars from where he works so it wasn't like it was being driven regularly anyway..but we still need a family car we can all drive you know,so my dad's on the hunt,looking for a car that both my brother and i can drive around in too!
other than that,there's really nothing much up.the usual.ten taliban militants captured in waziristan.five military operatives killed,twelve wounded,in action.life goes on.more of the same.
it's become so routine i don't even get fazed anymore...
i just hope,and PRAY to God we can fight this and drive out the extremism....for good..
Summer sun and wedding bells, baby cradles and college apps...that's how i spent my summer this year...
Let's see...my brother got married, like I said. I got my results from finals and I have officially graduated with honors..I got into every university i applied to,none of them were ivy league material,trust me,so it's not that big of a deal...and...i'm also going to be an aunt soon...
In one day's time to be exact...the baby's going to be my cousin's...we're the only two girls in our entire extended family so we're more like sisters than cousins and have always been that way...so it's a pretty big deal...the baby's coming as if he were my own sister's,im that involved in everything, and i'm sure to be on nanny duty very often,that's certain!
Like i told you before, my brother got married. The girl he got married to is twenty three. You might think that's too young but where i come from, twenty two and twenty three are the ideal ages to get married and any girl who's still single when she's twenty eight is deemed unworthy. Anyway,the girl; Let's call her S. S is a chartered accountant, kind of heavy as far as her weight is concerened, and she has a brother and a sister. The brother i don't mind. The sister, is one different story completely...I really do not like her. She thinks she's so much better than the rest of us, she's pretty and thin, and she knows it. She's studied in a snob school half her life and that hasn't done much to build her far from pleasent personality. She's cordial, that's the most i can say about how she treats me...
And the girl....my brother likes her..but she's really not the sisterly type and she's very,very headstrong, so it's all just a little confusing at the moment...i guess we just have to wait it out and hope that my brother at least can point out that family is very important to him and that she better accord us the same amount of respect and love she gives to her own family...
And i finally turn eighteen next month! on the ninth of september,to be exact.and then i'm finally legit...i still don't know how to drive yet though..i mean,i WOULD,if only we had a car...
don't get me wrong, we're not bumpkins,we DID have a car,but then my dad sold it because it wasn't as fine tuned as it used to be,and besides, my dad has two company cars from where he works so it wasn't like it was being driven regularly anyway..but we still need a family car we can all drive you know,so my dad's on the hunt,looking for a car that both my brother and i can drive around in too!
other than that,there's really nothing much up.the usual.ten taliban militants captured in waziristan.five military operatives killed,twelve wounded,in action.life goes on.more of the same.
it's become so routine i don't even get fazed anymore...
i just hope,and PRAY to God we can fight this and drive out the extremism....for good..
Monday, July 20, 2009
Top Ten Tuesday
Okay,the title is not meant to be suggestive of a new trend i'm going to start following in my blogs. I just felt like making a list and it just happens to be Tuesday,so that;s what i'm calling it ; top ten tuesday.!..
my best friend and i are real romantics.we believe in true love,but we're also devout Muslims,and we think it's pretty pointless to be with somebody you're not going to be with forever..so having boyfriends is not an option with us.it's not that we have to restrain ourselves.it's that we're so deeply imbedded in our faith and that we believe the end thing will be so much sweeter for all our patience that we prefer to wait.we have lots of friends who
re guys.just not boyfriends.
and just because we're really levelheaded on this point because of our faith doesn't mean its not hard.sure,sometimes,you see a cute guy,and he admits that he's interested,and you feel a little spark tug at your heartstrings..
but it just doesn't FEEL right.it's not who i am.i'm the girl who'll satisfy her romantic fantasies by reading lots of jane austen and meg cabot and dreaming about what if's and if only's...
but at teh end of the day,i just want to wait until i'm going to get married so that i can just savor it all at that one point in my life.i don't want to have to compare him with anyone else that i couldn't have.and it's not all completely easy,but it's not hard for me either.it's a choice,not an obligation,that i've made for myself.i just REALLY want to wait...and so does my best friend..
but now and then,we get this thing called the NOW! syndrome.it's what happens when we've read too many jane austen novels or watched too many nicholas sparks movie adaptations,and we're completely besotted with romantic fantasies.
then we get very whiney and we start whining about how we'd much rather prefer to have a guy in our lives now and if only we'd just get married already!then we kind of go "but i want one NOW!!" hence the name, NOW! syndrome..
like my ideal guy would be someone like the beast from beauty and the beast (the disney animated version of course) or noah from the notebook..
my best friend,who shall remain nameless for anonymity's sake,much prefers guys like nathan from one tree hill.he's her ideal..i personally have this wierd tendency to go for guys with anger management issues.i don't know,i guess it;s the passionate,fiery spark in a guy that just kind of sends thrills down my spine..!..
anyway,so when we're coming down with the syndrome,we do dumb,tweeny bopper stuff like make lists...this one is of the top ten guys that are simply wayy too good to exist.needless to say,we have a tendency to overlook real guys and fall for fictional ones instead!
okay,so here goes :
number one on the list is (of course) : edward cullen (pale,passionately in love,and a musician.need i say more?)
2.jesse de silva (from meg cabots brilliant 'the mediator' series.is it just me or are supernatural guys just all the more appealing?!)
3.nathan scott, from one tree hill
4.jacob black (from the twilight series.though i'm an edward fan over jacob all the way,no girl can deny the rustic charms of jacob black.again,a supernatural being.thus,all teh more appealing to me!)
5. Lance (from the animated series, x men evolution.i can't explain my fixation with this one.he's just so unbelievably appealing!plus,he has a temper.that scores one with me!any guy who has a temper he takes out on everybody but the one girl he loves is just perfect in my book)
6. Noah (from the notebook.i need not say more!)
7. Beast (because true beauty lies within...or because he transforms into a gorgeous prince after you bring him into your tender loving embrace and tearfully confess your undying devotion to him..whichever comes first!)
8.Mr. Darcy (from the incredible "pride and prejudice".pride and temper issues.need i say more?a girls wildest dream come true,the man himself...mr darcy!)
9. Emmet Cullen (because he's just too darn adorable to resist!!)
10. Paul Varjack (or more appropriately,as he keeps being called throughout the movie,fred,in the most incredible chick flick of all time,"breakfast at tiffany's".yay fred!)
so,tell me what you think.or who you think should definitely have been on the list!as far as i'm concerened,this list is pretty darn perfect :D
my best friend and i are real romantics.we believe in true love,but we're also devout Muslims,and we think it's pretty pointless to be with somebody you're not going to be with forever..so having boyfriends is not an option with us.it's not that we have to restrain ourselves.it's that we're so deeply imbedded in our faith and that we believe the end thing will be so much sweeter for all our patience that we prefer to wait.we have lots of friends who
re guys.just not boyfriends.
and just because we're really levelheaded on this point because of our faith doesn't mean its not hard.sure,sometimes,you see a cute guy,and he admits that he's interested,and you feel a little spark tug at your heartstrings..
but it just doesn't FEEL right.it's not who i am.i'm the girl who'll satisfy her romantic fantasies by reading lots of jane austen and meg cabot and dreaming about what if's and if only's...
but at teh end of the day,i just want to wait until i'm going to get married so that i can just savor it all at that one point in my life.i don't want to have to compare him with anyone else that i couldn't have.and it's not all completely easy,but it's not hard for me either.it's a choice,not an obligation,that i've made for myself.i just REALLY want to wait...and so does my best friend..
but now and then,we get this thing called the NOW! syndrome.it's what happens when we've read too many jane austen novels or watched too many nicholas sparks movie adaptations,and we're completely besotted with romantic fantasies.
then we get very whiney and we start whining about how we'd much rather prefer to have a guy in our lives now and if only we'd just get married already!then we kind of go "but i want one NOW!!" hence the name, NOW! syndrome..
like my ideal guy would be someone like the beast from beauty and the beast (the disney animated version of course) or noah from the notebook..
my best friend,who shall remain nameless for anonymity's sake,much prefers guys like nathan from one tree hill.he's her ideal..i personally have this wierd tendency to go for guys with anger management issues.i don't know,i guess it;s the passionate,fiery spark in a guy that just kind of sends thrills down my spine..!..
anyway,so when we're coming down with the syndrome,we do dumb,tweeny bopper stuff like make lists...this one is of the top ten guys that are simply wayy too good to exist.needless to say,we have a tendency to overlook real guys and fall for fictional ones instead!
okay,so here goes :
number one on the list is (of course) : edward cullen (pale,passionately in love,and a musician.need i say more?)
2.jesse de silva (from meg cabots brilliant 'the mediator' series.is it just me or are supernatural guys just all the more appealing?!)
3.nathan scott, from one tree hill
4.jacob black (from the twilight series.though i'm an edward fan over jacob all the way,no girl can deny the rustic charms of jacob black.again,a supernatural being.thus,all teh more appealing to me!)
5. Lance (from the animated series, x men evolution.i can't explain my fixation with this one.he's just so unbelievably appealing!plus,he has a temper.that scores one with me!any guy who has a temper he takes out on everybody but the one girl he loves is just perfect in my book)
6. Noah (from the notebook.i need not say more!)
7. Beast (because true beauty lies within...or because he transforms into a gorgeous prince after you bring him into your tender loving embrace and tearfully confess your undying devotion to him..whichever comes first!)
8.Mr. Darcy (from the incredible "pride and prejudice".pride and temper issues.need i say more?a girls wildest dream come true,the man himself...mr darcy!)
9. Emmet Cullen (because he's just too darn adorable to resist!!)
10. Paul Varjack (or more appropriately,as he keeps being called throughout the movie,fred,in the most incredible chick flick of all time,"breakfast at tiffany's".yay fred!)
so,tell me what you think.or who you think should definitely have been on the list!as far as i'm concerened,this list is pretty darn perfect :D
Friday, July 17, 2009
Dreams
I want to soar higher than ever before. I want to reach out and touch the sky high above and feel my dreams within my reach. I want ever so dearly, to feel wanted,worthy,treasured... What does it take to make you realize that you DO matter and that you CAN make a difference? What will it take to leave a mark,my mark,on the world i live in; a mark that won't be quick to wash itself away... I need to break free, I need to escape. I need to learn to believe in myself. In myself,and my ability to be all that I've ever longed to be...to be able to live to my utmost potential,the potential I know I have, to be the person I know i can be...that would be everything...
Friday, July 10, 2009
Vulnerable
I want to be the center of somebody's universe. I want to have that feeling you get when somebody looks at you like a blind man staring at the sun for the first time. I want to have that someone who i can turn to when i'm confused, lonely or in despair. Someone who can make me feel like the luckiest girl on the planet, who makes me feel amazing about myself just with a single look; makes me feel wanted. I want to feel his presence in the air around me. I want that somebody who'll love every part of me for ME, wants the good in me but is also ready to accept the bad in me and help me overcome it. I want to be the one, HIS one, and i want him to be fully and wholly mine. Always and forever..
Monday, July 6, 2009
Nothing Is Ever Good Enough
do you ever get the feeling that sometimes,all people can see is the shell you put up around you? its like me with my bad temper.nobody realizes that maybe all i want to do is protect myself from people who want to hurt me,or take advantage of me.because i've been there,and trust me,i was in a pretty dark place for two years as a consequence.i used to come home and bury my face into my pillow and cry until i had no more tears left in me.that was my only release.i didn't have anybody to tell how i felt you see.
it is so..frustrating,to realize nobody really knows what's really going on in your head.sometimes you just want people to get a clue.i mean,seriously,it's no wonder most teenagers suffer low self esteem.who wouldn't,with so many pressures bearing down on them?
parents are a classic example.if you have parents who remind you they're proud of you on at least a semi regular basis,you're one of the lucky few.it's not about them saying it.a look,a single glance or a smile can say it all.most kids just want to be assured that they're not doing too shabby.
or,you can have parents like mine,who love you to death and would do anything for you,but they seriously fall short on the listening department.they tell you what they want for you in the future,what decisions they feel comfortable with you taking,what kind of a life would be best suited for the kind of person you're growing up to be.they tell you what's wrong with you over and over and over again until you're ready to scream uncle.you're sullen,you're not a bright happy teenager,you need a serious attitude readjustment,why can't you just SMILE more often..
i'll tell you why i don't smile all the time.because i'm just not that girl.if you want a preppy,chirpy cheerleader kind of girl you've got the wrong teenager!!
i DO smile.and i do LAUGH.a lot.but lately my parents seem to be looking for a way to make me undermine myself,to remind me how exactly i fall short.ever since my brother's engagement,the house has been going topsy turvy and my parents seem obsessed with getting every detail right.i have college apps,entry tests,and all that shit to take care of.as a matter of fact,in a grand twist of events designed to completely screw me over,the entry exam for the university i actually want to go to...is the same day as my brothers wedding.
yeah.you can stop laughing now.point is,i'm going in over my head with wedding prep AND studying AND making guest lists AND providing entertainment AND giving entry tests to like a billion universities and i would really appreciate five minutes of my moms time to kind of remind me that i am not a complete douchebag and i CAN do this because i am going over the edge here with stress and i could really use somebody to talk to for like TWO SECONDS because my best friend is completely AWOL and my mom sure seems to have enough time for her friends helping her with the wedding prep.
I'M helping too!!!and i NEED her!whenever i try to talk to her she either interrupts me or blows me off and after all that she blows up her temper in my face every single day to remind me i'm not doing things right or that i'm not looking happy enough and i better get my act together and mold a smile on my face or she won't want to look at my face and its all i can do to not be rude and retort.i'm not strong enough to press a smile on my face with all that resentment boiling inside,so i'm really sorry i'm not smiling often enough mom,its going to take some time to get the fake grin imprinted on my face but i swear to God i will,if that means i'm rid of your constant reprimands than i sure as hell will
okay,im done ranting now
it is so..frustrating,to realize nobody really knows what's really going on in your head.sometimes you just want people to get a clue.i mean,seriously,it's no wonder most teenagers suffer low self esteem.who wouldn't,with so many pressures bearing down on them?
parents are a classic example.if you have parents who remind you they're proud of you on at least a semi regular basis,you're one of the lucky few.it's not about them saying it.a look,a single glance or a smile can say it all.most kids just want to be assured that they're not doing too shabby.
or,you can have parents like mine,who love you to death and would do anything for you,but they seriously fall short on the listening department.they tell you what they want for you in the future,what decisions they feel comfortable with you taking,what kind of a life would be best suited for the kind of person you're growing up to be.they tell you what's wrong with you over and over and over again until you're ready to scream uncle.you're sullen,you're not a bright happy teenager,you need a serious attitude readjustment,why can't you just SMILE more often..
i'll tell you why i don't smile all the time.because i'm just not that girl.if you want a preppy,chirpy cheerleader kind of girl you've got the wrong teenager!!
i DO smile.and i do LAUGH.a lot.but lately my parents seem to be looking for a way to make me undermine myself,to remind me how exactly i fall short.ever since my brother's engagement,the house has been going topsy turvy and my parents seem obsessed with getting every detail right.i have college apps,entry tests,and all that shit to take care of.as a matter of fact,in a grand twist of events designed to completely screw me over,the entry exam for the university i actually want to go to...is the same day as my brothers wedding.
yeah.you can stop laughing now.point is,i'm going in over my head with wedding prep AND studying AND making guest lists AND providing entertainment AND giving entry tests to like a billion universities and i would really appreciate five minutes of my moms time to kind of remind me that i am not a complete douchebag and i CAN do this because i am going over the edge here with stress and i could really use somebody to talk to for like TWO SECONDS because my best friend is completely AWOL and my mom sure seems to have enough time for her friends helping her with the wedding prep.
I'M helping too!!!and i NEED her!whenever i try to talk to her she either interrupts me or blows me off and after all that she blows up her temper in my face every single day to remind me i'm not doing things right or that i'm not looking happy enough and i better get my act together and mold a smile on my face or she won't want to look at my face and its all i can do to not be rude and retort.i'm not strong enough to press a smile on my face with all that resentment boiling inside,so i'm really sorry i'm not smiling often enough mom,its going to take some time to get the fake grin imprinted on my face but i swear to God i will,if that means i'm rid of your constant reprimands than i sure as hell will
okay,im done ranting now
Friday, July 3, 2009
do you ever get the feeling that there's more you were meant to be? Like there's so many other ways you can be defined, not just by the labels people at school or work tag you with. I know I do. I get that feeling all the time, particularly when I look at the way people see me.people see me as agressive.they're not sure how to approach me because i always wear this guarded expression on my face.i don't smile at strangers.i don't laugh much except with the people close to me.i'm a tough nut.it's not easy to get me to open up.but once you do..i bare all but my soul to you..
even so, it still feels like sometimes people don't take the time to look deeper.to glance beyond what they see on the surface.like for instance, nobody's ever really Bwondered exactly why i'm so agressive.they don't know the kind of person i was back when i was thirteen,fourteen.i was your average girl next door. i wasn't a saint,i didn't gel with just anybody, but i always found that i had it in me to bring out a smile and exchange a few words.
not anymore.
back in my early,impressionable teenage years,i was stuck in a pretty dark place.i had nobody around me that i could trust.people looked for a scandal,they wanted to look for a scapegoat they could spread rumors about.my dad was kind of a hotshot working where he was, and he was a big man in the neighborhood.i guess i was the easiest target.they walked and trampled all over me,took advantage of my trusting nature.it wasn't a hard job to get friendly with me,i was a generally happy person then.okay,so i wasn't the chirpiest person in the world but i was anything but sullen and distrusting.i always gave people the benefit of the doubt and eventually,i realized that my faith in people in general was wasted on the people there.they all just turned around and stabbed me in the back later.
life was pretty tough then.all i wanted was to find a friend or two i could trust,talk to,shop with...just your average girl things..i wasn't looking for a soulmate.i just wanted somebody to talk to.
i never found that person.at least,not until,by a divine miracle,my dad got a transfer to a different city at an even bigger post and i finally found myself some friends.but after that i was much more cautious.people say i'm a bitch.that my moods are unpredictable and it's so hard to approach me because i always wear this look like i'm about to bite the other person's hand off.
but i'm not.i'm not that person.at least,i don't want to be.i don't want to be bitter or sullen and completely unapproachable.i was never that person and it's not who i am now.but how do you change how people percieve you? and even more importantly..how do you get yourself to commit yourself to the change and make it stick?
even so, it still feels like sometimes people don't take the time to look deeper.to glance beyond what they see on the surface.like for instance, nobody's ever really Bwondered exactly why i'm so agressive.they don't know the kind of person i was back when i was thirteen,fourteen.i was your average girl next door. i wasn't a saint,i didn't gel with just anybody, but i always found that i had it in me to bring out a smile and exchange a few words.
not anymore.
back in my early,impressionable teenage years,i was stuck in a pretty dark place.i had nobody around me that i could trust.people looked for a scandal,they wanted to look for a scapegoat they could spread rumors about.my dad was kind of a hotshot working where he was, and he was a big man in the neighborhood.i guess i was the easiest target.they walked and trampled all over me,took advantage of my trusting nature.it wasn't a hard job to get friendly with me,i was a generally happy person then.okay,so i wasn't the chirpiest person in the world but i was anything but sullen and distrusting.i always gave people the benefit of the doubt and eventually,i realized that my faith in people in general was wasted on the people there.they all just turned around and stabbed me in the back later.
life was pretty tough then.all i wanted was to find a friend or two i could trust,talk to,shop with...just your average girl things..i wasn't looking for a soulmate.i just wanted somebody to talk to.
i never found that person.at least,not until,by a divine miracle,my dad got a transfer to a different city at an even bigger post and i finally found myself some friends.but after that i was much more cautious.people say i'm a bitch.that my moods are unpredictable and it's so hard to approach me because i always wear this look like i'm about to bite the other person's hand off.
but i'm not.i'm not that person.at least,i don't want to be.i don't want to be bitter or sullen and completely unapproachable.i was never that person and it's not who i am now.but how do you change how people percieve you? and even more importantly..how do you get yourself to commit yourself to the change and make it stick?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Your Guardian Angel
So there's this song...it's called "your guardian angel" by the red jumpsuit apparatus. And whenever i listen to it i get this wierd calm over me,like everything's going to be okay. My life is great.Really.Despite the fact that i'm kind of in the middle of a war here (screw the taliban,by the way,they're ruining our lives) ,the fact that I still have like a dozen college apps scattered on my desk that I still have to fill out, that my best friend's moved away halfway across the country, my brother's getting married in two weeks and i haven't even picked out a dress yet,not to mention that i still haven't worked on any routines for the party before that.Oh,and did i mention that my ex best friend,who by the way,LIVES to plot about how to screw me over next,is totally up to something because all of a sudden she is being nice in an almost sleezy creepy way? besides,nice is so uncharactastic of her that i wouldn't buy it for a second.after everything she's put me through,there's no way i'm falling for her scams.in case you're losing track of how many best friends i mentioned here,like i mentioned in my posts before in the earliest ones,we used to be a threesome,and we were as different as night and day but we were as close as nobody i've ever seen.but she betrayed us.turned out she'd been lying to us for a little over a year and before that,it had been going downhill anyway.we couldn't trust her anymore.ever since then,we've kind of been very,very bitter.
anyway,i'm completely missing the point.what was i talking about anyway? oh right.guardian angels.wouldn't they be awesome?well,one really would do the trick.wouldn't it be amazing if each one of us had a guardian angel of our own? That'd get rid of all my problems in a minute. I'd stop feeling so insecure and unsure of myself all the time,people would stop judging me and thinking that i'm just another pretty,aggressive bitch. It'd keep out all the malice,injustice and cruelty in my life.and thanks to queen B,the malice just keeps on coming.i'd love it to stop.there are just times when you can't deal with all of it,the hurt,the pain,the confusion and the fear,all on your own..sometimes,you just need a helping hand...most of the times though..you just really want somebody to be there to listen...
And if you're lucky,you do find your guardian angel.They could be a friend,your mom,your boyfriend or the love of your life.They could come in any shape or form.But as long as they're there to be with you during the darker days...to remind you,in the most bleak of moments,that there's still meaning and purpose..that the confusion and the fear you feel..that's life,and that there's still something worth fighting for. it doesn't matter then.You've got everything you need right there.... When life gets too overwhelming to face alone,don't be afraid to look for support.Sometimes,all we need is somebody to tell us it's okay,it's all going to BE okay,and that you do have the strength to pull through this. A little confidence and faith,that's all we really need. Knowing that there's somebody who believes,with all their heart,that you can get through whatever is holding you back..that's everything..
anyway,i'm completely missing the point.what was i talking about anyway? oh right.guardian angels.wouldn't they be awesome?well,one really would do the trick.wouldn't it be amazing if each one of us had a guardian angel of our own? That'd get rid of all my problems in a minute. I'd stop feeling so insecure and unsure of myself all the time,people would stop judging me and thinking that i'm just another pretty,aggressive bitch. It'd keep out all the malice,injustice and cruelty in my life.and thanks to queen B,the malice just keeps on coming.i'd love it to stop.there are just times when you can't deal with all of it,the hurt,the pain,the confusion and the fear,all on your own..sometimes,you just need a helping hand...most of the times though..you just really want somebody to be there to listen...
And if you're lucky,you do find your guardian angel.They could be a friend,your mom,your boyfriend or the love of your life.They could come in any shape or form.But as long as they're there to be with you during the darker days...to remind you,in the most bleak of moments,that there's still meaning and purpose..that the confusion and the fear you feel..that's life,and that there's still something worth fighting for. it doesn't matter then.You've got everything you need right there.... When life gets too overwhelming to face alone,don't be afraid to look for support.Sometimes,all we need is somebody to tell us it's okay,it's all going to BE okay,and that you do have the strength to pull through this. A little confidence and faith,that's all we really need. Knowing that there's somebody who believes,with all their heart,that you can get through whatever is holding you back..that's everything..
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A Text From Queen B
ooh,so i got a text from queen B yesterday.you see,my brother just got recently engaged,and us being Muslims,we're going to have a proper ring ceremony and everything where they sign official marraige documents declaring them man and wife before the rukhsati.thats the ceremony when you get to take the bride home.and since my brother is still currently a student and as such,not employed,therefore the rukhsati will only take place once my brothers a bonafide employee for some company or the other and after he's done with his masters.
but that won't be for another year.
so till then,he's only engaged.
so then i get this text from queen B,i have no idea how she found out,though i guess i shouldnt be surprised,i always said she had a big mouth and big ears to go with it.
so then i get this text,going "hey,congratulations on your brothers engagement :) peace."
yeah.thats another things shes started to do.she ends every text with "peace".what the hell is that about?!
anyway,i answered back a simple "thanks" and left it at that and i guess she didnt find anything to bitchfest me about,so she didnt text back anything.thank God.once we get fighting its hard to stop because theres no limit to how low she'll go to hurt me,and theres no extent to my temper,so..
my family always says my face is like an open book.you can tell exactly when im sad,depressed,morose,happy or completely excited.and right then,my face said i was really really down.that happens when she texts sometimes.i get depressed for about thirty seconds,then i remember all the unbelievable things she said to xenab and me and then righteous indignation overcomes me and i forget about being sad..
but that won't be for another year.
so till then,he's only engaged.
so then i get this text from queen B,i have no idea how she found out,though i guess i shouldnt be surprised,i always said she had a big mouth and big ears to go with it.
so then i get this text,going "hey,congratulations on your brothers engagement :) peace."
yeah.thats another things shes started to do.she ends every text with "peace".what the hell is that about?!
anyway,i answered back a simple "thanks" and left it at that and i guess she didnt find anything to bitchfest me about,so she didnt text back anything.thank God.once we get fighting its hard to stop because theres no limit to how low she'll go to hurt me,and theres no extent to my temper,so..
my family always says my face is like an open book.you can tell exactly when im sad,depressed,morose,happy or completely excited.and right then,my face said i was really really down.that happens when she texts sometimes.i get depressed for about thirty seconds,then i remember all the unbelievable things she said to xenab and me and then righteous indignation overcomes me and i forget about being sad..
Monday, June 1, 2009
Random Musings..
I'm at this breaking point in my life when i'm realizing that your mom,your friends or your family...they just can't give you all the answers, work out your problems for you. They can't always be counted upon to tell you what the right thing to do is. You have to trust yourself to make those choices..Now,suddenly,all your decisions seem to be on a whole different level from the choices everybody else is making. And you find that you have to trust in your heart and your judgement, and learn to make your own choices,without having to double check from somebody else...
I've never learnt to completely trust myself. There's always this nagging feeling at the back of my head that makes me fear my judgement isn't sound enough and that I need to consult somebody else. But now I find that it's a lesson I must learn as soon as I can...
I've never learnt to completely trust myself. There's always this nagging feeling at the back of my head that makes me fear my judgement isn't sound enough and that I need to consult somebody else. But now I find that it's a lesson I must learn as soon as I can...
summer time!!
the start of summer can only mean two things
1. time to party,people!
2. good hair days!!summer always brings out the best in my curls!
the party has yet to begin,but whatever.it will! i just have the one practical left,and then i'm completely free to do as i please!
i was sitting there bored at this cafe called mint,with my cousins and my brother,and i had nothing better to do than completely butcher this candle apart ^
lame,no? but hell,i was bored
it is sevenish and im supposed to go out and walk with dia now.update later.tonight most probably.seeing as how the party hasnt yet started and i have nothing better to do!
though come to think of it,im getting so prepped up about updating but i dont even have any people following this blog so there is really no point to the fast updating.but i like it.this is a great way to while the time away when you are completely bored and in over your head,followers or no followers!
The Final Cut
what happened,simply put,was this :
somewhere in this extremely dysfunctional phase of our friendship, i and queen B had a fight..i don't remember about what exactly.it was probably another crazy something that she'd done that i'd disapproved of,i expect.anyway,point is,we weren't talking,it must've been at least a week of solid silence when i got the text..
oh God,that text. It started a wave of drama in my life that i have to deal with practically every day now..
so i'm just sitting there,reading or something,the details are fuzzy..and my cell phone beeps to let me know i've got a text message.it's from queen B herself.i know her too well to know she's not texting to apologize,so i open it wondering what she could possibly want to say..
the text said : "i have to tell you something"
i wrote back : "so tell me"
i got this reply : "i have a boyfriend,we've been seeing each other for eight months"
so that was shock number one.not the boyfriend part.after all the crazy antics i expected it.but eight months?! she'd lied to us for eight months?!
and the cherry on the cake was,i knew of the guy.and frankly,he's bullcrap.that's what her excuse for not telling me had been. "i knew you'd never approve of my seeing him so i kept it from you"
of course,first thing i did was grab my phone and ring up merry.
"do you know?!" I asked her breathlessly
"yeah,she texted me about two hours ago to tell me"
i frowned "two hours ago?and why didn't she tell me at the same time she told you?"
"you were at school remember?" in the school i study in,which isn't the same as merry,i have school on saturdays too "besides," she continued "even the fact she texted you is big.she wasn't going to,she said i'm going to wait till we make up to tell her.thats when i told her that either you're going to tell her now or i sure as hell will"
me,still dazed : damn,she hid this from us for eight months
merry : it could've been forever,the only reason she even told us is because she spilled the beans to one of her friends in class and she was afraid of what we'd say if we heard it from somebody else,so she's playing it clean and honest.
me : okay.now what.i'm really not inclined to forgive her at the moment
merry : this is the height of it.after everything she's been up to,this is just the icing on the cake.
we let off steam on the phone for well over an hour before we decided we were going to stop talking to her,period.completely give her the silent treatment.
and that's exactly what we did.oh she apologized,sure she apologized.but none of it was heartfelt enough to move me to let it slide.i could handle her friends,i could still be friends while she was becoming into this alien paris hilton clone.
but a violation of my trust..that's something i've never been able to forgive and never will.
once queen B realized her apologies weren't moving us,she went from being apologetic to downright insulting.she hurled insults,told me i was a crappy friend,that i was only there for her when it was all fun and games to which i replied "excuse me,you're the one who lied to us,you're the one who kept your issues to yourself and wouldn't let us in,you didn't tell us about your parents issues ( yes we found that out also) , you didn't tell us about this loser boyfriend,and YOU were the one who shut us out,so don't go blaming us for not knowing,this is all you"
needless to say,she didn't like that very much..
so then she ranted and cursed and cussed some more and me,having my temper issues and all,would not have been able to contain my anger so i just stuck to the plan and ignored her.
since that time,there has been only a fortnight that we talked,in the middle when one of her friends from middle school died and she was seriously upset about it (okay,the friend was kind of a dimwit too,he died in a driving accident because he was going the wrong way on a one way road,deliberately,apparently he was too busy racing another guy to notice traffic regulations) but still,it was her friend,you know? so i was there for her,or i tried to be.i called her up every half hour to see how she was doing and i met her and we spent some time together for a while.but then she got over it and went right back to square one and i was frankly,disgusted.she was never going to change and there was nothing i could possibly do about it,so i just told her goodbye and we haven't talked since
except for fighting.she's taken quite a fancy to stalking me and sending me insulting messages or trying to provoke me.okay,i have a seriously hot temper but even i stopped getting mad about what she'd say because she'd say it so routinely and so often to try to work me up that it just got old.and ever since then,let's just say,i've seen who she really is.you only really find out what a person is like when you see how they treat people other than their special friends.okay,im not just some person,i'm supposed to be the enemy here,or as far as she's concerened anyway.but i've had dogs bite me who probably mean better than she does.she is,i can sum it up in one word,poisonous.she wants to poison things between us forever,i just want to be able to go on living my life without her and she keeps coming back with another dramatic entrance where she tries to demean me,my life,my faiths...it's just too tiresome and i don't want to deal with it and i just wish she'd butt the hell out but she won't.and i'm so sick of it.i'm not the kind of girl who butts heads with somebody forever.i'm quick to anger but equally quick to please,and it's just not in me,this feud that seems to last forever.there's no extent to how low she goes in her efforts to demean me and degrade every last inch of my life and she's in serious denial.she refuses to take responsibility for her life,she's convinced that me and merry are responsible for our splitting apart,and now she plays the "oh pfft,whatever,im soooo glad they're gone,especially that bitch,oh God she was such a freakkk,can't believe i was ever friends with her" card.this was after she played the victim card so everybodys all "poor girl," but she's not.she's a shallow hollow girl who only cares about partying and i don't miss her at all.do i miss the bright eyed,curly haired girl i was first friends with?yes.very much so.but not her,not who she is now.this is somebody i just don't recognize....
somewhere in this extremely dysfunctional phase of our friendship, i and queen B had a fight..i don't remember about what exactly.it was probably another crazy something that she'd done that i'd disapproved of,i expect.anyway,point is,we weren't talking,it must've been at least a week of solid silence when i got the text..
oh God,that text. It started a wave of drama in my life that i have to deal with practically every day now..
so i'm just sitting there,reading or something,the details are fuzzy..and my cell phone beeps to let me know i've got a text message.it's from queen B herself.i know her too well to know she's not texting to apologize,so i open it wondering what she could possibly want to say..
the text said : "i have to tell you something"
i wrote back : "so tell me"
i got this reply : "i have a boyfriend,we've been seeing each other for eight months"
so that was shock number one.not the boyfriend part.after all the crazy antics i expected it.but eight months?! she'd lied to us for eight months?!
and the cherry on the cake was,i knew of the guy.and frankly,he's bullcrap.that's what her excuse for not telling me had been. "i knew you'd never approve of my seeing him so i kept it from you"
of course,first thing i did was grab my phone and ring up merry.
"do you know?!" I asked her breathlessly
"yeah,she texted me about two hours ago to tell me"
i frowned "two hours ago?and why didn't she tell me at the same time she told you?"
"you were at school remember?" in the school i study in,which isn't the same as merry,i have school on saturdays too "besides," she continued "even the fact she texted you is big.she wasn't going to,she said i'm going to wait till we make up to tell her.thats when i told her that either you're going to tell her now or i sure as hell will"
me,still dazed : damn,she hid this from us for eight months
merry : it could've been forever,the only reason she even told us is because she spilled the beans to one of her friends in class and she was afraid of what we'd say if we heard it from somebody else,so she's playing it clean and honest.
me : okay.now what.i'm really not inclined to forgive her at the moment
merry : this is the height of it.after everything she's been up to,this is just the icing on the cake.
we let off steam on the phone for well over an hour before we decided we were going to stop talking to her,period.completely give her the silent treatment.
and that's exactly what we did.oh she apologized,sure she apologized.but none of it was heartfelt enough to move me to let it slide.i could handle her friends,i could still be friends while she was becoming into this alien paris hilton clone.
but a violation of my trust..that's something i've never been able to forgive and never will.
once queen B realized her apologies weren't moving us,she went from being apologetic to downright insulting.she hurled insults,told me i was a crappy friend,that i was only there for her when it was all fun and games to which i replied "excuse me,you're the one who lied to us,you're the one who kept your issues to yourself and wouldn't let us in,you didn't tell us about your parents issues ( yes we found that out also) , you didn't tell us about this loser boyfriend,and YOU were the one who shut us out,so don't go blaming us for not knowing,this is all you"
needless to say,she didn't like that very much..
so then she ranted and cursed and cussed some more and me,having my temper issues and all,would not have been able to contain my anger so i just stuck to the plan and ignored her.
since that time,there has been only a fortnight that we talked,in the middle when one of her friends from middle school died and she was seriously upset about it (okay,the friend was kind of a dimwit too,he died in a driving accident because he was going the wrong way on a one way road,deliberately,apparently he was too busy racing another guy to notice traffic regulations) but still,it was her friend,you know? so i was there for her,or i tried to be.i called her up every half hour to see how she was doing and i met her and we spent some time together for a while.but then she got over it and went right back to square one and i was frankly,disgusted.she was never going to change and there was nothing i could possibly do about it,so i just told her goodbye and we haven't talked since
except for fighting.she's taken quite a fancy to stalking me and sending me insulting messages or trying to provoke me.okay,i have a seriously hot temper but even i stopped getting mad about what she'd say because she'd say it so routinely and so often to try to work me up that it just got old.and ever since then,let's just say,i've seen who she really is.you only really find out what a person is like when you see how they treat people other than their special friends.okay,im not just some person,i'm supposed to be the enemy here,or as far as she's concerened anyway.but i've had dogs bite me who probably mean better than she does.she is,i can sum it up in one word,poisonous.she wants to poison things between us forever,i just want to be able to go on living my life without her and she keeps coming back with another dramatic entrance where she tries to demean me,my life,my faiths...it's just too tiresome and i don't want to deal with it and i just wish she'd butt the hell out but she won't.and i'm so sick of it.i'm not the kind of girl who butts heads with somebody forever.i'm quick to anger but equally quick to please,and it's just not in me,this feud that seems to last forever.there's no extent to how low she goes in her efforts to demean me and degrade every last inch of my life and she's in serious denial.she refuses to take responsibility for her life,she's convinced that me and merry are responsible for our splitting apart,and now she plays the "oh pfft,whatever,im soooo glad they're gone,especially that bitch,oh God she was such a freakkk,can't believe i was ever friends with her" card.this was after she played the victim card so everybodys all "poor girl," but she's not.she's a shallow hollow girl who only cares about partying and i don't miss her at all.do i miss the bright eyed,curly haired girl i was first friends with?yes.very much so.but not her,not who she is now.this is somebody i just don't recognize....
Falling Apart..
so she moved.queen B was officially on the other side of the country.it was the furthest her dad's ever been transferred,so yeah,it was more than a little dismaying..
but okay,i could've dealt with that.she was my best friend and all,but at least i had merry,you know.she didn't have anybody all the way over there.
boy was i wrong.
turns out she'd had quite a lot of people to be with...
i first started noticing things were wierd when she started being vague about some matters.the first couple of months she was stuck in a school she didn't like with people she couldn't stand.
so they made her get a transfer.she moved to a different school.and then she was as happy as could be.when i'd call she'd babble away about how sweet her friends were and how nicely they'd welcomed her and how all the cute guys were asking her out now,and whatnot..
so there was me going "yay,she's finally settling in now,good for her"
she settled in,but gradually as the months went by,i started to notice some changes.so did merry,and we were concerned.because her stories of school and friends just kept getting more outrageous as the days passed..her group of friends wasn't one i'd ever have chosen for myself,let alone her.one day she called and she's going "haha,today school was so much fun, we were getting soo bored so we decided to get up the third storey and chuck stuff out the window"
and there's me going "uhhhrmm...r-ight.okay"
another day she's liable to come up with a pic of herself completely shoving herself in a guys lap,or taking pics of her butt and whatnot.i was alarmed,okay.she was turning into a regular paris hilton and there was nothing i was saying that would sink through that majorly thick skull of hers.me and merry,we tried.we really did.she stayed in karachi two years and we did everything we could to get her to stop the crazy antics.because thats not who she was and thats certainly not who we are.it was getting ridiculous..and its not like she was getting any great guidance from her family...her sisters were completely engrossed in their own little world and her parents,they had issues of their own.her mom was fiercely independent and career's always seemed to be a bigger priority than actually sticking around to guide your kid.so we were on our own.
and nothing we said or told her did any good.we've had the most fights we've ever had in those two years she was there because we kept trying to stick some sense in her head and she refused to listen to either of us...
and then when those two years were up,her dad transferred.yes,again.life is crazy for us that way.
and he transferred here.right in the city where me and merry were.well,technically,my place is the furthest,it's a forty minute drive from merry's house,but where queen B was moving was literally a ten minute walking distance from her house.
so she's moved,we should be ecstatic right?now we get to see her all the time,she lives right here,it can be like it was when we were thirteen,we can be a threesome again,right
wrong.
everything was okay in the first week.but then queen B joined the same school merry was at.
thats when we started getting the funny,wary glances.because queen B was just as rambunctious in this school as she'd been in the previous one.whenever people mentioned her and i said "oh yeah,her,she's my best friend" i am not exaggerating here,people would actually raise their eyebrows and eye me warily,as if to say "seriously,you're friends with her?"
and i was even more conscious of the changes in her now because she was now right in front of me.i could see her acting up,cutting class,getting into trouble,sneaking out of class to meet guys, drawing attention to herself by acting obnoxious...it was just really really embarassing for me..
but theres not exactly anything i could do about it.whenever i tried to mention to her that she was making a complete ass of herself,people were laughing at her and thought she was completely dense in the head,she'd just call me a prude and laugh at me.what could you do with such a person
it had been building up...this wall,that was suddenly coming up between us.i and merry were on one side of it and she was on another.it wouldn't take much to come between us on a permanent basis,i could feel that.we couldn't keep walking this thin wire like we were,one of us was going to fall off sooner or later if we tried to keep things going the way they were...it wouldn't have taken anything monumental to split us apart...
and just then...it did..
but okay,i could've dealt with that.she was my best friend and all,but at least i had merry,you know.she didn't have anybody all the way over there.
boy was i wrong.
turns out she'd had quite a lot of people to be with...
i first started noticing things were wierd when she started being vague about some matters.the first couple of months she was stuck in a school she didn't like with people she couldn't stand.
so they made her get a transfer.she moved to a different school.and then she was as happy as could be.when i'd call she'd babble away about how sweet her friends were and how nicely they'd welcomed her and how all the cute guys were asking her out now,and whatnot..
so there was me going "yay,she's finally settling in now,good for her"
she settled in,but gradually as the months went by,i started to notice some changes.so did merry,and we were concerned.because her stories of school and friends just kept getting more outrageous as the days passed..her group of friends wasn't one i'd ever have chosen for myself,let alone her.one day she called and she's going "haha,today school was so much fun, we were getting soo bored so we decided to get up the third storey and chuck stuff out the window"
and there's me going "uhhhrmm...r-ight.okay"
another day she's liable to come up with a pic of herself completely shoving herself in a guys lap,or taking pics of her butt and whatnot.i was alarmed,okay.she was turning into a regular paris hilton and there was nothing i was saying that would sink through that majorly thick skull of hers.me and merry,we tried.we really did.she stayed in karachi two years and we did everything we could to get her to stop the crazy antics.because thats not who she was and thats certainly not who we are.it was getting ridiculous..and its not like she was getting any great guidance from her family...her sisters were completely engrossed in their own little world and her parents,they had issues of their own.her mom was fiercely independent and career's always seemed to be a bigger priority than actually sticking around to guide your kid.so we were on our own.
and nothing we said or told her did any good.we've had the most fights we've ever had in those two years she was there because we kept trying to stick some sense in her head and she refused to listen to either of us...
and then when those two years were up,her dad transferred.yes,again.life is crazy for us that way.
and he transferred here.right in the city where me and merry were.well,technically,my place is the furthest,it's a forty minute drive from merry's house,but where queen B was moving was literally a ten minute walking distance from her house.
so she's moved,we should be ecstatic right?now we get to see her all the time,she lives right here,it can be like it was when we were thirteen,we can be a threesome again,right
wrong.
everything was okay in the first week.but then queen B joined the same school merry was at.
thats when we started getting the funny,wary glances.because queen B was just as rambunctious in this school as she'd been in the previous one.whenever people mentioned her and i said "oh yeah,her,she's my best friend" i am not exaggerating here,people would actually raise their eyebrows and eye me warily,as if to say "seriously,you're friends with her?"
and i was even more conscious of the changes in her now because she was now right in front of me.i could see her acting up,cutting class,getting into trouble,sneaking out of class to meet guys, drawing attention to herself by acting obnoxious...it was just really really embarassing for me..
but theres not exactly anything i could do about it.whenever i tried to mention to her that she was making a complete ass of herself,people were laughing at her and thought she was completely dense in the head,she'd just call me a prude and laugh at me.what could you do with such a person
it had been building up...this wall,that was suddenly coming up between us.i and merry were on one side of it and she was on another.it wouldn't take much to come between us on a permanent basis,i could feel that.we couldn't keep walking this thin wire like we were,one of us was going to fall off sooner or later if we tried to keep things going the way they were...it wouldn't have taken anything monumental to split us apart...
and just then...it did..
Enter Merry
let's call her merry.she's always smiling and she's one hell of an optimist,that suits her as well as any other
merry,for the past couple of years,had been living in saudi arabia where her dad had been transferred.she and queen B had been best friends since they'd been toddlers.and they'd always kept in touch.
i'd heard of her of course.but i really didn't know who she was,or what kind of a person she'd turn out to be or anything,queen B never talked about her that much,she was her best friend,you'd think i know more about her.all i knew was her name and that she'd been living in riyaadh for the past number of years
anyway,three months before my thirteenth birthday,guess who i found out was moving back to the country?
yeah,you got that right.merry was back
i didn't really even know when she landed in the city but i just get this phone call from queen B going "she's here!"
i didn't bother asking who,i knew.
"here?as in,she's landed?"
"as in,she's in my HOUSE!come over!"
"i'll be there in ten" i hung up
so i called my dad to ask if the car could be brought from the office back to the apartment,i needed to go to queen B's house.
as it turned out,the car and the driver couldn't be spared because my dad needed him at the office,or something along those lines.
but i'd promised to be there,plus i was itching to meet merry.
so i lugged my bike out the garage,hopped on the seat,and biked all the way.
well,not all the way completely.i'd just left my neighborhood when my tyre gave way and started deflating.it was four p.m. and still burning hot outside,you could have cracked an egg on the ground and it'd start cooking.
so i walked the rest of the way.and it was really out of the way.it took me about forty minutes to walk from where i'd hopped off the bike,all teh longer because i had that huge hunk of metal to lug along half the way too.
by the time i got to queen B's house,it was late afternoon and the back of my half sleeved T was sticking to my back with sweat.my hair looked like a grenade had gone off somewhere in my curls and my face was colored bright red with the heat.
needless to say,i've been in lighter moods than that
anyway,i was so sick of staying in the sun i didn't even bother ringing the doorbell,i just stalked right in,cool as you please,and trudged up the stairs after wheezing out a hello to her mom and sister who met me while i was walking in the door.
in front of her room,i grabbed the handle,swung the door straight open and wheezed,still breathless from the exercise,
"*insert queen B's name here* (i said it more like an expletive than anything else) YOU IDIOT!"
then i stopped.because next to queen B,who'd been lounging on the bed,was sitting this girl with dark straight hair,a round face and a mouth that was forming a silent O just then.
i shuffled my feet against the floor. "uh.hi!"
queen B,with a bored expression on her face,like my spectacular entrance didn't surprise her in the least bit, said "M,this is merry.merry,meet M"
and then she smiled.i grinned back
and that,my friends,was the beginning of a beautiful friendship
seriously,after that,i'd bike over (in the evening,when it was cool and shady and there was no chance of getting completely sunburnt again) every single day to hang out with them,we'd spy on queen B's cute neighbor from her window,re enact parents trap like we used to (this had been a queen B and merry thing to do before me and queen B started doing it) and altogether acting like complete goofs.anybody looking at us must have thought we were ten,though i'd just turned thirteen,and merry was half a year older.
then,thanks to our dads jobs,all three of who worked for the same organization,had all us transferred one by one to different parts of the country.thats the part about being me.you have to reconcile yourself to living a very unstable life.you move,you settle in,you're just beginning to make a place for yourself in school,get in good with your friends,when presto,you have to move again.
but there are a lot of perks to such a life too.you can always start over.you can wipe out all the bad memories and start afresh if you weren't happy before.besides,i've met a lot of people and made a lot of lifelong friends from this so i wouldnt trade it for the world,dispite having to move around all the time..
i got transferred to one state,merry moved to a completely different corner of the country,and queen B moved to a little town in the middle of nowhere that was a two hour drive from where i was.despite that,we didnt get to meet too often.we only met like a couple of times every few months.meetings were few and cherished,and we'd go crazy with hyperactiveness every time we met.
those two years i spent when i moved THAT time,were the worst years of my life.it was a little town literally in the middle of an ocean of ignorance,and i had nothing in common with the people there.i had a very tough time of it,i didn't have any friends who weren't really talking behind my back in secret or plotting something to embarass me in front of th whole school.you couldn't trust anybody.i spent two years,crying into my pillow every day when i came back from my school,and practically stopped seeing the sunshine,i'd just prefer to sit inside in the four walled confines of my room.at least nobody could hurt me there.i wouldn't have to deal with people making up stories about me or hurling verbal abuses in my face..
those were tough days...but i've learnt to stop looking back,all that matters is,that finally after two years of heavy endurance,i was out.my dad got transferred again.and we moved to civilization again,a city where there were people who actually had the words "compassion" listed in their dictionary.finally,a place where at the very least,i'd have something to talk about with the people there! i mean,back where i'd come from,people didn't even know what the bsb were,for crying out loud.harry potter and backstreet boys or the spice girls,basic stuff every teen is familiar with,were blank words when spoken about to them.
but before i moved away,queen B got another transfer.this happened about half a year before i moved away from that hellhole i had to call home for so long..
we went to say goodbye to her,merry and i.merrys dad had gotten a transfer in between those years,back to the city all three of us had been together,and from my house i drove through the motorway to her house from where we left to go to queen B's grandad's place.thats where queen B and her family were staying till their flight two days later,since all their things were packed and all.
we had fun.we spent the whole day with her.we went to the mini golf course,hung out behind the swings in the park close to her grandads house,and went out to grab a little something to eat together.
we waved goodbye to her from merrys car.my car was still at merrys place,waitintg to take me back.while we waved,i said a little prayer and hoped that whereever she went,queen B would find plenty of friends and settle in brilliantly.this was the furthest transfer she'd ever had to go through,it was really far away,and she was seriously scared about settling into a new place all over again.when you're fourteen,or any age in your teens for that matter,it's just all about settling in,finding friends,making a place for you in school.its the age i resented my dads moving around the most,it just got tiring,to have to start all over again just when you're starting to make friends in your new hometown...it's not like when you're little.you can't just share a ride on a swing and be best friends,it's so easy when you're a kid.for a teenager,not so much...
but i didn't realize just how far she'd go.and i don't mean that in terms of physical presence either.of course she was moving.we all did,that was the pattern of our lives,we all had to move away from each other every few years.
but she really went away from me.far out of my reach.she went away to a place i couldn't reach her,not by catching a plane to her house.nothing
i couldn't reach her anymore.that's when i had my second defining moment in life..
merry,for the past couple of years,had been living in saudi arabia where her dad had been transferred.she and queen B had been best friends since they'd been toddlers.and they'd always kept in touch.
i'd heard of her of course.but i really didn't know who she was,or what kind of a person she'd turn out to be or anything,queen B never talked about her that much,she was her best friend,you'd think i know more about her.all i knew was her name and that she'd been living in riyaadh for the past number of years
anyway,three months before my thirteenth birthday,guess who i found out was moving back to the country?
yeah,you got that right.merry was back
i didn't really even know when she landed in the city but i just get this phone call from queen B going "she's here!"
i didn't bother asking who,i knew.
"here?as in,she's landed?"
"as in,she's in my HOUSE!come over!"
"i'll be there in ten" i hung up
so i called my dad to ask if the car could be brought from the office back to the apartment,i needed to go to queen B's house.
as it turned out,the car and the driver couldn't be spared because my dad needed him at the office,or something along those lines.
but i'd promised to be there,plus i was itching to meet merry.
so i lugged my bike out the garage,hopped on the seat,and biked all the way.
well,not all the way completely.i'd just left my neighborhood when my tyre gave way and started deflating.it was four p.m. and still burning hot outside,you could have cracked an egg on the ground and it'd start cooking.
so i walked the rest of the way.and it was really out of the way.it took me about forty minutes to walk from where i'd hopped off the bike,all teh longer because i had that huge hunk of metal to lug along half the way too.
by the time i got to queen B's house,it was late afternoon and the back of my half sleeved T was sticking to my back with sweat.my hair looked like a grenade had gone off somewhere in my curls and my face was colored bright red with the heat.
needless to say,i've been in lighter moods than that
anyway,i was so sick of staying in the sun i didn't even bother ringing the doorbell,i just stalked right in,cool as you please,and trudged up the stairs after wheezing out a hello to her mom and sister who met me while i was walking in the door.
in front of her room,i grabbed the handle,swung the door straight open and wheezed,still breathless from the exercise,
"*insert queen B's name here* (i said it more like an expletive than anything else) YOU IDIOT!"
then i stopped.because next to queen B,who'd been lounging on the bed,was sitting this girl with dark straight hair,a round face and a mouth that was forming a silent O just then.
i shuffled my feet against the floor. "uh.hi!"
queen B,with a bored expression on her face,like my spectacular entrance didn't surprise her in the least bit, said "M,this is merry.merry,meet M"
and then she smiled.i grinned back
and that,my friends,was the beginning of a beautiful friendship
seriously,after that,i'd bike over (in the evening,when it was cool and shady and there was no chance of getting completely sunburnt again) every single day to hang out with them,we'd spy on queen B's cute neighbor from her window,re enact parents trap like we used to (this had been a queen B and merry thing to do before me and queen B started doing it) and altogether acting like complete goofs.anybody looking at us must have thought we were ten,though i'd just turned thirteen,and merry was half a year older.
then,thanks to our dads jobs,all three of who worked for the same organization,had all us transferred one by one to different parts of the country.thats the part about being me.you have to reconcile yourself to living a very unstable life.you move,you settle in,you're just beginning to make a place for yourself in school,get in good with your friends,when presto,you have to move again.
but there are a lot of perks to such a life too.you can always start over.you can wipe out all the bad memories and start afresh if you weren't happy before.besides,i've met a lot of people and made a lot of lifelong friends from this so i wouldnt trade it for the world,dispite having to move around all the time..
i got transferred to one state,merry moved to a completely different corner of the country,and queen B moved to a little town in the middle of nowhere that was a two hour drive from where i was.despite that,we didnt get to meet too often.we only met like a couple of times every few months.meetings were few and cherished,and we'd go crazy with hyperactiveness every time we met.
those two years i spent when i moved THAT time,were the worst years of my life.it was a little town literally in the middle of an ocean of ignorance,and i had nothing in common with the people there.i had a very tough time of it,i didn't have any friends who weren't really talking behind my back in secret or plotting something to embarass me in front of th whole school.you couldn't trust anybody.i spent two years,crying into my pillow every day when i came back from my school,and practically stopped seeing the sunshine,i'd just prefer to sit inside in the four walled confines of my room.at least nobody could hurt me there.i wouldn't have to deal with people making up stories about me or hurling verbal abuses in my face..
those were tough days...but i've learnt to stop looking back,all that matters is,that finally after two years of heavy endurance,i was out.my dad got transferred again.and we moved to civilization again,a city where there were people who actually had the words "compassion" listed in their dictionary.finally,a place where at the very least,i'd have something to talk about with the people there! i mean,back where i'd come from,people didn't even know what the bsb were,for crying out loud.harry potter and backstreet boys or the spice girls,basic stuff every teen is familiar with,were blank words when spoken about to them.
but before i moved away,queen B got another transfer.this happened about half a year before i moved away from that hellhole i had to call home for so long..
we went to say goodbye to her,merry and i.merrys dad had gotten a transfer in between those years,back to the city all three of us had been together,and from my house i drove through the motorway to her house from where we left to go to queen B's grandad's place.thats where queen B and her family were staying till their flight two days later,since all their things were packed and all.
we had fun.we spent the whole day with her.we went to the mini golf course,hung out behind the swings in the park close to her grandads house,and went out to grab a little something to eat together.
we waved goodbye to her from merrys car.my car was still at merrys place,waitintg to take me back.while we waved,i said a little prayer and hoped that whereever she went,queen B would find plenty of friends and settle in brilliantly.this was the furthest transfer she'd ever had to go through,it was really far away,and she was seriously scared about settling into a new place all over again.when you're fourteen,or any age in your teens for that matter,it's just all about settling in,finding friends,making a place for you in school.its the age i resented my dads moving around the most,it just got tiring,to have to start all over again just when you're starting to make friends in your new hometown...it's not like when you're little.you can't just share a ride on a swing and be best friends,it's so easy when you're a kid.for a teenager,not so much...
but i didn't realize just how far she'd go.and i don't mean that in terms of physical presence either.of course she was moving.we all did,that was the pattern of our lives,we all had to move away from each other every few years.
but she really went away from me.far out of my reach.she went away to a place i couldn't reach her,not by catching a plane to her house.nothing
i couldn't reach her anymore.that's when i had my second defining moment in life..
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Confessions Begin..
okay, i'm still bored.and it's so hot out i can't go out anywhere
so i'll just tell you a little about me.and my life
life,for me,is good.it's always been great.i have an amazing family,friends who care for me...
well...some more than others
see,there's been a lot happening to me all of a sudden in the past year.a lot's changed and a lot of the times,i'm just not sure how to handle it all...
for instance,all this business with queen B.i swear,she makes me so mad i just wish i could wring my hands around that bony little neck of hers and make her croak..!
but i'm getting ahead of myself.you don't even know who queen B is.
queen B...hmmm..where to begin...she's been so many things in my life i'm not even sure where to start...
i met queen B when i was about three years old.she used to live across the street from me when we were kids.apparently we used to play together all the time..or so my parents say so anyway
then,my dad got transferred and we moved,and i didn't see her again.until five years anyway.i met her again when i was eight.i lived in this tiny little town where my dad's job had him transferred,and her dad who was working for the same organization,got transferred there too..i remember my dad telling my mom they'd shifted and my eight year old self went "who's shifted?"
my dad then goes "oh yeah you wouldn't remember,this family we used to live close to moved into town,you used to play with their daughter all the time,she's about your age,or maybe a year younger at most" that sparked my interest.i asked for their phone number and my dad told me.so i gave the family a call.queen B's dad picked up
"Hello?"
"Hi.I'm calling for *insert queen B's name here*. She home?"
"umm,hold on,i'll bring her to the phone"
a little scuffling and lots of audible yelling for queen B later,she finally came to the phone.
"Hello?"
me : "hey,guess who"
yeah.i was really smart back when i was eight.like she was supposed to know my name when we'd barely met (meeting when you're three doesn't count obviously)
"umm,okay,*insert queen B's best friend's name here* is that you?"
it's ironic that she'd mistake me for her.who knew later i'd be the one with all her friends..
but getting ahead of myself again..anyway,back to the phone convo:
me : "uh,no i'm not her"
"okay,i give up.who is it?"
"*insert my name here*" i said it with such a chirpy ring and such confidence she supposed she was the one who hadn't recognized me..
queen B : "um..right.okay..so,how are you?" she,obviously,did not have a clue who i was
"oh,you know,alright.listen,i'm bored,want to play?"
it's that easy when you're eight years old.all you got to say is "want to play" and five minutes later,you're best friends
we weren't best friends in five minutes though,queen B and i.it came a lot more gradually than that.she treated me with a lot of indifference at first
so anyway,she said yes,i said yippe,i'm coming over,so i went.
after that we used to play every day together.our favorite past time was re enacting the parent trap,or playing barbie.seriously.i still find myself staring at shop windows where dolls are stacked,all resplendent in their shiny boxes and pretty dresses.i just like dolls,seven or seventeen,i'm not growing out of that ever!i'm a doll enthusiast.
anyway,getting back on track.
we played every day for a year after which we had our first sleepover,on my birthday.we munched on chocolate,jumped on all the springy couches in the house and broke quite a lot of stuff when we broke into the drawing room.a year after that she moved.a year after she moved I moved,some place completely different and we didn't see each other again for four years after she'd moved..
i was twelve years old then,she was eleven,life was just starting to get interesting in those pre adolescent days..
we witnessed our first crushes,our first social downfalls,our first major humiliations,our first stages of puberty...we went through everything together.i loved her like i'd never loved any friend
then came one of the defining moments of my life...
enter,waliya's proclaimed best friend,the one she mistook me for on the phone...
so i'll just tell you a little about me.and my life
life,for me,is good.it's always been great.i have an amazing family,friends who care for me...
well...some more than others
see,there's been a lot happening to me all of a sudden in the past year.a lot's changed and a lot of the times,i'm just not sure how to handle it all...
for instance,all this business with queen B.i swear,she makes me so mad i just wish i could wring my hands around that bony little neck of hers and make her croak..!
but i'm getting ahead of myself.you don't even know who queen B is.
queen B...hmmm..where to begin...she's been so many things in my life i'm not even sure where to start...
i met queen B when i was about three years old.she used to live across the street from me when we were kids.apparently we used to play together all the time..or so my parents say so anyway
then,my dad got transferred and we moved,and i didn't see her again.until five years anyway.i met her again when i was eight.i lived in this tiny little town where my dad's job had him transferred,and her dad who was working for the same organization,got transferred there too..i remember my dad telling my mom they'd shifted and my eight year old self went "who's shifted?"
my dad then goes "oh yeah you wouldn't remember,this family we used to live close to moved into town,you used to play with their daughter all the time,she's about your age,or maybe a year younger at most" that sparked my interest.i asked for their phone number and my dad told me.so i gave the family a call.queen B's dad picked up
"Hello?"
"Hi.I'm calling for *insert queen B's name here*. She home?"
"umm,hold on,i'll bring her to the phone"
a little scuffling and lots of audible yelling for queen B later,she finally came to the phone.
"Hello?"
me : "hey,guess who"
yeah.i was really smart back when i was eight.like she was supposed to know my name when we'd barely met (meeting when you're three doesn't count obviously)
"umm,okay,*insert queen B's best friend's name here* is that you?"
it's ironic that she'd mistake me for her.who knew later i'd be the one with all her friends..
but getting ahead of myself again..anyway,back to the phone convo:
me : "uh,no i'm not her"
"okay,i give up.who is it?"
"*insert my name here*" i said it with such a chirpy ring and such confidence she supposed she was the one who hadn't recognized me..
queen B : "um..right.okay..so,how are you?" she,obviously,did not have a clue who i was
"oh,you know,alright.listen,i'm bored,want to play?"
it's that easy when you're eight years old.all you got to say is "want to play" and five minutes later,you're best friends
we weren't best friends in five minutes though,queen B and i.it came a lot more gradually than that.she treated me with a lot of indifference at first
so anyway,she said yes,i said yippe,i'm coming over,so i went.
after that we used to play every day together.our favorite past time was re enacting the parent trap,or playing barbie.seriously.i still find myself staring at shop windows where dolls are stacked,all resplendent in their shiny boxes and pretty dresses.i just like dolls,seven or seventeen,i'm not growing out of that ever!i'm a doll enthusiast.
anyway,getting back on track.
we played every day for a year after which we had our first sleepover,on my birthday.we munched on chocolate,jumped on all the springy couches in the house and broke quite a lot of stuff when we broke into the drawing room.a year after that she moved.a year after she moved I moved,some place completely different and we didn't see each other again for four years after she'd moved..
i was twelve years old then,she was eleven,life was just starting to get interesting in those pre adolescent days..
we witnessed our first crushes,our first social downfalls,our first major humiliations,our first stages of puberty...we went through everything together.i loved her like i'd never loved any friend
then came one of the defining moments of my life...
enter,waliya's proclaimed best friend,the one she mistook me for on the phone...
One Night Only
Not enough time to say
or do all that we longed
my mind reliving the memories
of times forever gone
each moment printed deep
each playing like a different song
i close my eyes,relive the magic
try my hardest to hold on
one night, a fairytale
one night, a promise made
one night a secret told
one night, a love unfolds
one night, a magic spell
one night, a wishing well
one night, a fiery rush
one night, a blazing touch
one night to speed up truth
one night to be confused
one night to save our souls
one night that he foretold
one night the stars shine bright
they dazzle up the sky
we had our differences..
but we were in love
by - Confessions
or do all that we longed
my mind reliving the memories
of times forever gone
each moment printed deep
each playing like a different song
i close my eyes,relive the magic
try my hardest to hold on
one night, a fairytale
one night, a promise made
one night a secret told
one night, a love unfolds
one night, a magic spell
one night, a wishing well
one night, a fiery rush
one night, a blazing touch
one night to speed up truth
one night to be confused
one night to save our souls
one night that he foretold
one night the stars shine bright
they dazzle up the sky
we had our differences..
but we were in love
by - Confessions
Pilot
so this is my first blog ever.my best friend was pushing me to make one and kept going "mahaaa,you sooo need to make a blog,it is such a YOU thing to do,and ud be great at it" like its a career choice or something =P
but whatever.i finally got through with my exams and i don't exactly have anything better to do right now...why is it that when you're in over your head with exam stress and pining for summer vacations to start already,they never seem to come fast enough but when they're finally here,all you can think is "hmm.okay.soo...what do i do now?"
because seriously,all i've done in the past three days since my last exam has been to read the entire vampire diaries series and watch a lot of tv.i hadnt seen footloose or the colin firth of pride and prejudice or sense and sensibility so i finally got on it.
and don't stare at me with that funny look on your face.where i come from,which is pakistan by the way,most people haven't seen grease or footloose or movies you guys consider teen classics
okay,so like finally,after what seemed like an eternity,summer is FINALLY here.okay,so not really here,i still have one practical exam to go thats scheduled for the tenth,but whatever.i so don't get computers anyway and i'll just scribble whatever stuff i know onto the sheet and hand it back,they can't give me less than a B,i built the whole project that was required for half the grade and all! but i have nine days to prepare,so i'm not majorly stressing out or anything.
i really don't have much to babble about.i just wanted to write something because i just made this account and all.i'll update later,when i actually have something worthwhile to say!
later people
but whatever.i finally got through with my exams and i don't exactly have anything better to do right now...why is it that when you're in over your head with exam stress and pining for summer vacations to start already,they never seem to come fast enough but when they're finally here,all you can think is "hmm.okay.soo...what do i do now?"
because seriously,all i've done in the past three days since my last exam has been to read the entire vampire diaries series and watch a lot of tv.i hadnt seen footloose or the colin firth of pride and prejudice or sense and sensibility so i finally got on it.
and don't stare at me with that funny look on your face.where i come from,which is pakistan by the way,most people haven't seen grease or footloose or movies you guys consider teen classics
okay,so like finally,after what seemed like an eternity,summer is FINALLY here.okay,so not really here,i still have one practical exam to go thats scheduled for the tenth,but whatever.i so don't get computers anyway and i'll just scribble whatever stuff i know onto the sheet and hand it back,they can't give me less than a B,i built the whole project that was required for half the grade and all! but i have nine days to prepare,so i'm not majorly stressing out or anything.
i really don't have much to babble about.i just wanted to write something because i just made this account and all.i'll update later,when i actually have something worthwhile to say!
later people
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